Mermaid in a Manhole

2010-10-15T23:51:00.002-04:00

Since I still have over 200 followers on here, which I can't even believe with how long I've been gone, I thought I'd let you guys know that I have returned to blogging. My new blog is here.

Miss Me?

2010-05-02T00:33:00.002-04:00

Just in case you miss your daily dose of Kim I'm using Tumblr a lot now.

mermaidinamanhole.tumblr.com

ily.

Tribulations & Revelations

2010-04-22T20:52:00.007-04:00

I'm visiting my sister & her munchkins in South Carolina right now. It's a nice trip away from home but I get homesick in like two days. I miss my beagle, kitty, best friend & boyfriend.

My biggest frustration right now is being misunderstood by people. People make assumptions constantly but a lot of times you just don't know so you need to ask. Honestly, that might be a big reason why I changed this blog to a personal one and no longer dole out advice and positive musings. I feel like a lot of them have been misunderstood, misconstrued, or just warped. Sometimes I read over what people have said about what I've written or listen to something someone says in response to what I've said and I've been perceived so differently from how I intended that it makes me want to gag. I often times don't bother correcting and just move on.

Another thing is I am crazy moody. Wesley says I'm "a girl" but I seriously have got to be one of the most mood oriented people I've ever met. I throw things out the window as soon as I'm not feeling it which makes hard for me to make concrete decisions like what I want to do with my future or whether or not I want to get a tattoo.

At this point I'm kind of just embracing it and try to give myself time to get over moods and not let them effect me or others negatively. I'm moody. Really moody. One minute I couldn't care less and the next minute I'm pining for what I threw away.

I'm also nurturing a different side to me right now & that's the geeky, blood and guts loving, edgy, risk taking side. I'm starting to think my entire personality is a contradiction but I'm okay with that.

I used to feel like I had to constantly be offering things to people and at this point when I look back at some of the gooey, sappy, sticky stuff I've written on here it makes me feel iffy. It's how I felt at the time but now I'm morphing into something else. As a friend said "It's nice to see you letting your hair down." It's nice to do it and not in secret.

I used to have different outlets that I separated from one another but now I'm just trying to balance myself out the best I can.

I go through different phases with my style, demeanor, and influences. Sometimes I throw things away for a long time or stick them in a box but I eventually come back if it really tickled my fancy enough.

Right now I'm homesick and a little grumpy. I'm feeling gross because I've eaten too much junk food while I've been here and not enough fruits and veggies.

Also, I don't really think this blog is going back to the way it was. My interests have shifted. Again.

A Day in the Life

2010-04-17T21:59:00.000-04:00

I know I've been neglectful & I haven't even really been updating on my life much. I've decided that every once in a while I'll update you on what I'm currently doing/liking/consuming as often as I see necessary. Thanks to all of you who stuck around.

First of all, I put orange dye in my hair. It's way more orange than in the photo. I decided I wanted a sunnier color for summer.

Lately I've been walking my beagle, Alice 4 and a half miles around the lake near my house. We're both getting in better shape but I made the mistake of wearing my Converse two days in a row since I have no other sneakers. Blister city & not enough support. So, I bought these:

Ridiculous right? Ridiculously awesome. I can't wait until they get here.

I registered for school and got all my books. I start in June which is exciting. I'm not sure anymore what my immediate future holds and I don't know if and when I'm moving back to CA.

I'm currently obsessed with adding color to my wardrobe, revisiting crazy Japanese 8bit/electro music, and eating gyoza. I'm spending a lot of time with good friends and embracing the fact that I finally feel like I have a close knit group of people to hang out with on a regular basis, something I haven't had in a very long time.

On Monday I take another trip to South Carolina for 10 days to see my sister & her munchkins which is always exciting.

I've been nerding out 24/7 and writing for Baby Loves Zombies. On that subject, I saw Kick Ass last night and loved it.

June holds a lot of good things for me including another visit from my dear friends Jenny & Matt and Comic Con in Philadelphia, as I mentioned last post.

I'm feeling pretty happy lately and I don't have a lot to complain about. I hope all of you are well. ♥

Photo of the Day April 7th, 2010

2010-04-07T22:22:00.002-04:00

It would almost be like a school girl thing if it wasn't for my epic Godzilla shirt. Also: my phone auto corrects the capitalization for "Godzilla." It knows what's important.

Bowling

2010-04-05T19:01:00.004-04:00

Some photos from our bowling trip last night. ♥

About that Zombie Board Game...

2010-04-05T14:16:00.003-04:00

A few of you asked about it, I did a write up here: Last Night on Earth - The Zombie Board Game.

Realizations & Personal Stuff

2010-04-03T13:40:00.007-04:00

(Junko Mizuno)

Lately, I've spent a lot of amazing time with friends. I've come to one realization, though: I don't show people how much I like them, even if I think I do. For some reason, I'm just really not expressive and reluctant about showing my like for someone. I've made some of my very best friends feel like they're imposing on me when I can't wait to see them. I make a lot of people insecure about their connections with me, even if they are solid.

I think this is for a couple reasons. One, I'm not a very openly affectionate person. I try my best but I'm just not. It's comfortable for me to keep to myself as a rule, though there are times where I feel especially loving towards certain people. Another is that my family isn't big on talking about feelings -- just taking them out on each other. Hah.

To make up for this, I've been trying to let people know more often how much I like them or want to see them. I've also realized that when I have a confrontation with someone, I come across really harsh. Even if I don't mean to. I've scared the crap out of a lot of my friends without even realizing it. So, now I try to say something like "I'm not trying to be harsh." or "I'm not upset."

I don't think I have a very expressive face, though my eyes are. When I wear sunglasses it's like a mask for my emotions. Handy at times but, so I hear, intimidating other times. I never thought I was an intimidating person. As a tiny redhead standing 5'1", one would imagine I'm not very threatening. Though, I can't tell you how many times I've been called intimidating.

Besides that soul searching realization, yesterday I had an adventure that involved udon, gyoza, used books, comics, ice cream, and eventually fajitas. It was awesome. All of my best friendships have connected on geekiness and food love. They are necessary pieces to the puzzle.

I'm putting all my blogging energy into Baby Loves Zombies, which I hope in the future will take off into something amazing. I put a new layout up the other day which took me a few hours to work on. I think it looks way better and makes me feel more confident about the site as a whole. This blog will be used as a personal blog for now. I figure that whoever cares will stay, and whoever used this blog purely as a self help kind of thing will probably move on. Thanks to those of you who care. ♥

I also like Tumblr now. So, if you have one you can follow me.

I have plans to go to Comic Con in June. I'm really excited because I've never been to Philadelphia and I've never been to a Comic Con even though I used to live so close to San Diego. Word is that there will be a Dr. Horrible Sing Along Blog panel... ♥ Neil Patrick Harris.

Things are changing a lot for me and I finally feel like the many sides of me are coming together somehow into one. It's hard keeping up with all the faces of me. Exhausting even, but it's getting easier.

Hi, My Name is Kim

2010-03-28T15:00:00.004-04:00

(♥)

Hi, my name is: Kim

Never in my life have I been: to Japan. ;(

The one person who can drive me nuts is: my mother. But I still love her.

High school: has been over for a very long time.

When I’m nervous: I get knots in my stomach.

The last song I listened to was: Sam's Town by The Killers.

If I were to get married right now my best man/maid of honor: my sister.

My hair is: red, getting longer, and curly. I did it Rita Hayworth style yesterday.

When I was 5: I sat on my dad's lap and played Doom.

Last Christmas: was lonely. My family wasn't here but I had Wesley. ♥

I should be..: I don't know. I don't have any obligations at the moment.

When I look down I see: my gray dress.

The happiest recent event was: spending a week with Jenny, Matt, Caroline, Wesley, & Alli. My favorite people.

If I were a character on ‘Friends’ I’d be: Monica Geller. I'm really crazy like her and I come off like clean freak & perfectionist but I remember the episode where Chandler found her secret closet full of crap and it reminds me so much of me. I've never been fat though.

By this time next year: I have no idea.

My current gripe is: I have like 10 minor physical ailments right now and combined they make me feel bedridden.

I have a hard time understanding: how to balance the many sides of me. I may as well have multiple personality disorder.

There’s this girl I know that: is far away and I miss her very much.

I like you when: you take the time to get to know me without judgment or being scared off because I'm so hard to read.

If I won an award, the first person I would tell would be: Wesley. He always is the first to know things.

Take my advice: don't pin yourself into a corner. Life is full of possibilities. Try to follow as many of them as you can.

The thing I want to buy: a pair of black moccasins or the NANA anime on DVD.

If you visited the place I was born: you would be in Santa Clara, California.

If you spent the night at my house: we would probably watch a movie and play a bunch of video games while eating. We might drink too and you can listen to me tell you all my philosophies on Silent Hill 2. I might make you watch Dr. Horrible's Sing Along Blog if you haven't seen it or we could play Last Night on Earth. ♥

I’d stop my wedding if: my dad wasn't there.

The world could do without: hate & illogical anger.

I’d rather lick the belly of a cockroach than: ...uh. I dunno. That sounds awful.

Most recent thing I’ve bought myself: 2 pairs of Wayfarer sunglasses so I can have a pair like Holly Golightly. They look cute on Wesley too. Actually, I think wayfarers suit almost everyone.

Most recent thing someone else bought me: Pokemon Soul Silver. ♥ Wesley.

My middle name is: Maria.

In the morning I: am usually still asleep.

The animals I would like to see flying besides birds are: kitties, then again maybe not because my cat would be that much harder to keep track of. Pigs perhaps as long as they stopped to poop.

Once, at a bar: I watched a bunch of extremely talented transvestites impersonate celebrities. It was a blast.

Last night I was: eating a steak and chocolate waffle at Jackson's.

There’s this guy I know who: love very much.

If I was an animal I’d be: a cat. No doubt.

A better name for me would be: I have no idea. I tried to go by Kimber for a while but it never stuck.

Tomorrow I am: going to pick out my classes.

Tonight I am: hopefully going to finish Bioshock 2 or No More Heroes 2.

My birthday is: July 5th.

I found this on tumblr. You can use it too if you want.

Update on the Life of Kim

2010-03-26T19:55:00.004-04:00

(♥)

I've been posting pretty infrequently on here. Perhaps some of you have noticed. Why? For a few reasons. One being that I've almost felt like I've exhausted everything I have to say on the advice/positivity topics.

Another reason would be that my interests have strayed to all things geeky as of late. I'm sure most of you know this, but for those of you who don't: I'm a nerd above everything else. My friends are pretty much all super geeks too, so when spending a lot of time with them we all sort of go into that world. I've been playing a lot of video games as of late and even zombie board games.

Lately, I've been writing a lot more for my other blog: Baby Loves Zombies. It's where my main blogging focus is at the moment, so for daily updates check there (follow too?) though I know it won't apply to the majority of you here. My goal is to get that one off the ground, so if you guys know anyone who loves zombies & video games please send them over. ♥

I'm not by any means getting rid of this blog, but for now I'm going to use it as more of a personal blog than I have in the past. I'll document important things in my life and post things that I find inspiring/helpful. I may go right back to posting all the things I used to but I'm not sure at the moment. I'm sort of at a crossroads. I'll probably do a lot more posts about observations on life. You are all still 100% welcome to ask for advice, too.

I didn't want to leave you guys hanging. You know how I always let you know what's going on with me. I guess sometimes I just get a little burnt out on inspiration for this blog and lately I've had a lot more to say about the other side of me.

I'm going back to school very soon and I'm taking a trip back to South Carolina before I do. Life is getting busier and busier for me, which is really good. I had a lot of downtime for a long period of time and I'm excited to get busy again.

Right now my life seems like it has a million different doors of opportunity that I can go through and I'm not sure which one to choose. So, for now I'm taking things one day at a time. I'm going to go to school and take some time to figure out what exactly I want to do. The possibilities literally seem endless. I'm so curious to see where I'll be in one year or even in five.

I hope you all are well. Thanks for always reading. ♥

Settling for Less than You Deserve

2010-03-23T14:24:00.002-04:00

(♥)

When you think about your life, do you think you have what you deserve? Does your significant other treat you right? Are you respected at work? Do your friends care the way they should?

I think a lot of the people I know would answer "No." to those questions. Sometimes it seems like we get trapped in certain situations and feel like there's no escape. As if we must settle for less. Let me tell you a secret: that's not true.

I think a lot of us get hung up on the convenience and practicality of everyday life and overlook our own personal happiness. You don't have to do what's expected of you & you don't have to follow the rules of normalcy.

More often than not life doesn't just put what you're looking for right into your hands. You have to take it. Seek it out & make it yours.

Make your life what you want it to be. You only get one and time flies by quicker than you might think. Draw your own map. Make your own rules. Start really living your life and don't let it pass you by.

Don't settle for less than you deserve.

Adventure Week Roundup

2010-03-22T23:09:00.025-04:00

What a week! As I informed you earlier I had three friends visiting this week. My friend Matt from New York, Jenny from Kansas who I was meeting for the very first time, and my dearest Caroline coming home from college for spring break. Along with them I had my boyfriend Wesley and good friend Alli around quite a lot. It was an interesting group.

I'm very exhausted to tell you the truth. Entertaining can be tiring. We tried to pack something fun into every day and it felt like it was over in the blink of an eye. Dropping Jenny off at the airport today was surreal. It felt as if I had only gone to get her.

Meeting her in general was quite surreal. I've known her for about five years online and we finally decided to take the plunge and hope the other was what we thought & not a serial killer. We found out that we both might be killers after all (hah!) but we still like each other very much regardless. You might know her as the co-writer of our neglected horror/nerd culture blog Baby Loves Zombies.

While I'm extremely sad that everyone's gone home it will be nice to get back to my normal routine. I drank too much alcohol & ate too much junk food. I had a few cigarettes (shame) and definitely didn't sleep enough. My body is begging for mercy and I'm happy to oblige it. I'm also really eager to get back to writing and picking out my classes for school.

Wesley took a lot of pictures so here they are, just in case you've been wondering what on earth I could be doing being away from my internet addiction for so long. Yes, I said the word. Jenny is the cure.

We went to the zoo which explains the random photos of animals.

This is Matt looking like a Metal god. He calls these Cozy Coops. I've never heard of them but he was excited and that very excitement was infectious.

The infamous creepface which never fails to make me crack up laughing no matter what mood I'm in. The more unexpected the better.

I kind of wish my face was this expressive.

Great license plate or greatest license plate?

In anticipation of the 40 cupcakes I made.

Accidental Mazda advertisement.

We're planning a Silent Hill themed wedding. She's gonna dress up like Pyramid Head and I'll be a nurse. ♥

I find this hilarious for reasons which I think are obvious.

Epic.

Alli could not resist such an opportunity. Above the panda with an unexplained crotch hole it says "Built to survive."

I failed to get any photos of Caroline which must be remedied this summer. She wasn't around for photo heavy adventures in DC.

I just woke up from a nap and I'm still exhausted. I think it's bedtime. Hopefully this was a mildly amusing post for you guys and the blog will be back to normal very soon.

This week I'm back to healthy eating, tea consumption, a regular sleep schedule, and working out. I need to get my life back in line! I feel like I've been out of touch with my routine for far too long. I was watching Where the Wild Things Are but it looks like I'll have to finish it tomorrow because Wesley is passed out here next to me and the film has an unexpected amount of screaming in it.

Photo of the Day March 19th, 2010

2010-03-19T11:37:00.004-04:00

I'm terribly sorry that I've been completely MIA! I have friends visiting and they've kept me extremely busy. The above photo is me sitting on the DC metro from a couple days ago.

I've been having tons of fun. Today my friend Matt goes home which I am extremely bummed about but it's been a great visit. I still have Jenny and Caroline through the weekend. I miss you all. I will be back very soon!

Dear Mermaid, A Friend is Draining Me!

2010-03-14T18:26:00.007-04:00

Dear Kim,

After reading your wonderful advice to other people, I was wondering what you'd do with my problem. It's a bit of a long story.

To start, maybe I should explain a bit about my past or this won't make sense. Over the past few years, I've had various eating disorders. Very few people know about them though. I guess the shame of having one, and the fear of being found out has stopped me from going too far. As a result, I've never been hospitalized or had any treatment. The only people who know are those that I've told myself. I know how ridiculous it sounds, but I managed to keep it under control. Though I still have problems with it now, I'm better than I've ever been. I've reached a level where it doesn't affect me every day, and I'm not putting my health at risk.

However, one of my friends suffers with them too, and she's looking to me. The thing is, she suffered much more than me (she was taken into a hospital with anorexia at one point), and our cases are completely different. She seems to think that because I managed to keep my own problems from getting too bad, I can help her do that too. I'm not sure I can.

Half the time I'm not even sure she wants help either. I've recommended websites, talked to her for hours on end about silly little tricks I used to stop myself, gone shopping with her to make her feel better about herself, & everything I can think of. She doesn't seem to have taken any of it on board. Of course I'm aware that it's not easy, but we're talking months now, and she doesn't seem to have improved at all. She doesn't seem to want to, no matter what she says about wanting to change.

Sometimes (and I really, really hate to use stereotypes here) I feel like she does things for attention. For instance, taking appetite suppressants in the middle of the lunch room, leaving the packet in full view of everyone. She broadcasts her past to anyone who will listen, so it's not as though people don't understand why she's taking them. None of my other friends who've had similar problems (or me for that matter) would do this, because we're all too scared of being found out. It might be a cry for help, but other things make me unsure.

She also says stuff that gives me the impression that she wants me to encourage her to lose weight, and support her in her illness. There's no way I would do that, and I sort of resent the fact that she would even expect it.

Having someone talk about their eating disorders every day isn't helping me. It just makes me think about them more, which is just not beneficial when I'm trying to get over something as ingrained as this. I worry that being around her will just make me regress. I really hate to talk about my problems, but at the same time, I know how important it is to talk to someone who understands. I dread telling her that I don't want to hear it. I'm also worried that people will notice how much she talks to me about these things, and figure out my own issues. It sounds selfish, but the thought of people knowing about my problems really puts me off helping her.

Don't get me wrong, in a lot of aspects she's a very good friend, and I do like her, but I feel like I'm trapped in this situation, and to a certain extent, I feel like she's using me.

What would you do?

I've been in your shoes before. It's really frustrating when someone asks you to help them but doesn't seem to take your advice. It appears to be so easy for people to pour their hearts to you and ask you what to do but very hard for them to actually take what you say to heart.

First off, it's very kind & admirable of you to reach out and try to help her. Especially since you have so much on your own plate. However, you seem to be feeling the draining effect of having someone rely on you so heavily.

It sounds like enough is enough and it's time to give this girl some perspective on what you're going through. What would I do, you ask? I would very politely tell her exactly how I feel. In fact I had a really similar situation just a couple months ago which I handled with a letter saying my piece and separating myself.

I would simply explain that while I do care for her, I can't claim responsibility for her. I would tell her that I can only help her to a point and it's reached that very point where I feel like the help I offer isn't benefiting her and it's draining me and putting me in a bad mindset. I would offer my support and best wishes for her recovery but tell her that I can't fight her inner battles as well as my own. I would explain that I have given her my very best advice, and that if she needs further help she needs to turn somewhere else. I would also explain that something like this isn't an effort to end a friendship, but to redefine it.

She might not take kindly to this, but remember that you have to stick to your boundaries. Don't be afraid to be honest. In the future she may continue you asking you for advice which is the perfect opportunity for a soft reminder that you can't fix this problem for her. I would also encourage you to seek help from someone who is qualified to deal with her situation.

I think that even if someone acts out for attention, the behavior is still a reflection of a problem within. It may be disguised as something different but there's an underlying issue that needs to be addressed. It's not your responsibility to figure this out for her, but you should encourage her to seek help from a higher hand.

As for you, my dear, I'm very glad to hear that your disorder isn't controlling your life. I think you might find that seeking help for yourself isn't as scary as it seems and could make things a little easier to cope with. Outpatient therapy almost always comes before hospitalization except in extreme cases. It's not a bad idea to look into it. I'm not trying to push therapy on you, it's just something to think about. It helped me so I'm passing on the information.

Keep your chin up and don't let her take advantage of you. Try to see things in a balanced light: on the one hand she is very troubled which is why she acts this way & on the other it's not your responsibility to take care of her. Don't let her make you feel trapped. The unfortunate reality is that sweethearts get taken advantage of so sometimes they have to toughen up a little bit. Don't lose your sugar though!

Times Are Changing

2010-03-12T15:39:00.005-05:00

(♥)

Usually the new year is when we all think about the ways we've changed and all the things we've done or haven't done and what we want to change moving forward. However, I think anytime is a good time for that line of thinking. In fact, I think it's good to keep those thoughts constant.

Things are changing a lot for me right now and I think it's in a really positive way. I'm surrounded by good people and my aspirations have never been higher. As I stated earlier, I'm revolutionizing my thinking so that while I am still looking forward and working towards the future I am living more in the present than I ever have.

One huge problem I had in my life is moving from one moment to the next without really enjoying what I was currently doing. It was a really vicious cycle that took a lot of enjoyment out of my life. I feel like I missed out on learning a lot of important lessons and enjoying a lot of simple pleasures in life. If it didn't totally impress and enthrall me, I found another way to entertain myself while I anxiously waited for the next thing.

I'm slowing down now. I'm not always running ahead and I'm looking out for those little things in life. I think this is really important for me and for others who live life in a similar manner. When I think about the people who are truly happy in life they're taking the time to enjoy it and see it for what it's worth. Life is short, so it's time to smell the roses.

I've spent the last 4 days completely cleaning out my room, bathroom, and really our entire basement. I'm getting organized and breathing fresh, creative life into my living space. It's literally been almost all I've done. It's getting to the point where I have no clutter at all in my bedroom and that's truly a surreal feeling. I even set up a little book nook for myself. As requested, when I am finished I will make a video blog about it.

Right now I'm sitting here dying my hair (I stuck with red in case you're wondering. I decided I love being a redhead too much to go blue.) and listening to Django Reinhardt. The rest of the day will be filled with more cleaning and organizing. I have a friend coming home from school tonight for spring break and I hope to see her and spend some quality catch up time. On Monday two of my closest friends from out of town will be spending the week with me. I can't even tell you how excited I am. Lots of pictures coming soon!

How have you all been faring? Are you making positive changes based on realizations you've made about yourself & your way of living? Excited for spring weather? I know I am.

Love & Loathe, March 10th 2010

2010-03-10T11:16:00.005-05:00

(♥)

I feel like it's been forever since I was on schedule with blogging. I'll try to push in some quality articles this week and then the following week will probably be a lot of pictures and adventure updates because I have a bunch of friends coming to stay with me.

LOVE:

♥ The anticipation for next week. It's going to be incredible. So many of my favorite people all grouped together and going on adventures. I'm so excited I can't even tell you. I really need this right now.

♥ Making a new best friend. For me this is a really rare occurrence and this person is super amazing.

♥ The idea of doing more adventurous things. I might go caving next Saturday! And I'm going to go to Comic Con in PA this summer.

♥ A fresh start. Over the past week I broke out and decided my life was going to be different in a good way. I decided I wasn't going to wait around and wait for my life to happen or only work towards the future anymore. I'm living more in the present now and life is much more fulfilling.

♥ Exploring my local area. When I first got here I basically decided I hated it and that I was going to make my home a sanctuary where I would stay and just avoid the rest of the situation while I waited to move back to CA. Lately I've been looking for opportunities to explore and learn about where I live.

♥ Asian markets! When I lived in California we were really spoiled with all the types of food specialty stores. I swear it's a food heaven there. My favorite thing was all the Asian markets and specifically a Japanese one called Mitsuwa. I really miss it these days but I searched around and I found two. Wesley and I thoroughly explored both of them and while stocking up on Japanese snack foods I found these! I haven't made them since middle school.

♥ Getting excited about school. Even if as I explained before that I'm not too thrilled with the school I have to go to I sort of just got over it and said an education is an education and it's important. Since I'm going in the summer semester these last two months are kind of like my summer before going back.

♥ Rearranging/redecorating my room. In anticipation of the aforementioned friends coming to stay I've done a lot of cleaning and I'm not even close to done. Along with my new take on life that I wanted to change my room. My room has been red for a really long time, even when I lived in CA. I have red bedding and I used to have red curtains along with other things to tie it all in. I think I'm ready for blue now. I've also been changing my wall art & furniture around. It is refreshing.

Blue is my favorite color right now in case you were wondering. A few days ago I was even going to dye my hair blue but then I decided I couldn't give up the red.

♥ Spring cleaning. I've never managed to actually do this in the spring before but it's the perfect time. Out with the old and in with the new.

♥ Sailor Moon. All the time.

♥ Spending time with my grandma. My parents are out of town and I'm trying to make sure she doesn't get lonely. We went out to lunch yesterday and it was nice.

♥ Long talks with my sister on the phone. We never talk for less than 30 minutes.

♥ Getting excited to go back to South Carolina in April.

♥ Oolong tea, nag champa incense, & green tea ice cream.

♥ Feeling like I'm finally breaking out of my depression.

LOATHE:

♣ Feeling really disorganized. I'm not done cleaning yet and looking at huge piles of old mail and papers makes my head spin a little.

♣ Anxiety. Over a lot of things. Hopefully I'm in for a stress free week.

♣ Worrying about Alice. On top of everything yesterday she decided to push past my legs while I was leaving and she ran all over the neighborhood. Oh, that dog. I always tell her she's lucky her face is so ridiculously cute because all the stuff she pulls almost makes her not worth it.

There are probably a lot more loathes because it's been a pretty bad week but it's not worth sitting here and writing them out.

What about you? I'm excited to hear your lists. I missed you!

Doggie & Relationship Drama

2010-03-08T11:27:00.008-05:00

My lovely muffins, I've always been pretty honest with you about what's going on with me and from what I hear from the things you have been telling me via twitter/comments/facebook/emails you are curious and concerned. Thank you very much.

Now, let me tell you what's been going on for the past couple days. Two nights ago I saw Alice in Wonderland - the new Tim Burton movie. Quite honestly I really did not like it. I had such high hopes but I felt it was a total flop. Lack of a Lewis Carroll worthy storyline, full of plot holes, and just mediocre in general. I will say it was lovely to look at and I liked the cast. When I was at the movie theater, my boyfriend bought me Raisinettes without me asking. It was a nice gesture, but for some reason I didn't eat them while we were in the theater. This is important, you'll see why.

Yesterday I dropped my mom & dad off in Baltimore so they could take a cruise to the Bahamas. They desperately need a vacation and it's their 20 year anniversary, so what a perfect excuse. I'm incredibly excited for them. Before I left to drive the hour to Baltimore I took the aforementioned Raisinettes out of my purse, which is quite heavy as it is, and I placed them on my desk. I also shut the door to my room so my curious beagle, Alice wouldn't get into trouble. However, I rushed around trying to find my keys and opened the door forgetting to close it again.

Arriving home again with my grandmother, I discovered a box in shreds on the living room floor. It was yellow. I figured Alice had snuck something from the trash, which is not unusual for her. This is the dog who has eaten tin foil, a whole pumpkin pie, a bottle of grapeseed oil, chocolate, and countless other things. If it smells good and she can consume it she most certainly will. This probably makes me sound like the worst pet owner ever for allowing her to get a hold of these things, but I'm sure any of you who have naughty beagles can relate. She can smell and get into almost anything. It's like baby proofing your whole house and I've never had this problem with any other dog.

Throwing the box in the trash I read the word "Raisin" on a shred of the yellow cardboard. Suddenly it hit me. She had gone in my room, sniffed out those Raisinettes still sealed in plastic, climbed on my desk chair, seized them, and took them upstairs to demolish the box and inhale them in the sun. I remembered back when she ate the grape seed oil. I had called the poison control center and they told me that while grape seeds are not poisonous to dogs, and even grapes are not, the skins are. Raisins, being of course basically pure dried grape skin & Raisinettes being raisins covered in something also toxic to dogs - chocolate.

At this point I panicked and immediately located an emergency veterinary clinic. They told me to call and have a consultation with the poison control center which cost me $65 for a slow talking doctor to tell me what I already knew. They gave me a claim number along with a telephone number and sent me to the clinic. My mind was racing and my grandma was kind enough to accompany me.

We arrived and the doctor quickly asked for my permission to induce vomiting on Alice. Of course, I agreed. I filled out a lot of paperwork and then waited for what seemed like a lifetime. The doctor finally returned, announcing that she had most definitely thrown up raisins and chocolate. He then explained to me why raisins are so toxic to dogs.

Apparently raisins can cause kidney failure in dogs. Some dogs can eat raisins and be just fine and others eat one and get renal failure. He then passed me an invoice which outlined all the treatment he wanted to do for her including an overnight hospital stay and pushing fluids in her through an IV. The total cost? $1,395 - $1,985. Did your jaw drop? Mine did. Part of it was because they were on emergency hours, but the other parts were ridiculous things like four bucks to throw away a needle.

Obviously I don't have two grand lying around in case my dog eats a box of raisinettes. Really, who does? I asked my dad what he thought and he agreed to help me pay for it if that was really what was going to save her. However, I just didn't feel right about it. She had already thrown them up and something inside me told me that my little eating machine was going to be alright.

I flat out told the doctor that I could not afford it and asked if there was anything else he could do for her. He looked me in the eye and could tell that there was no way this was going to work out. He left for what seemed like an hour and returned with a bill for $430, which I could manage - with help.

He took a bunch of blood tests and eventually returned her to me. She was incredibly happy to be reunited with me and looked totally confused about the events had just occurred. I just imagine her thought process "I found this yummy box then mom came home, yelled, and took me to this place where they stuck me with needles and made me puke." You know, that but dog speak.

Then - the big issue. When I came home I put my 4 and a half year relationship to an end. Ultimately after lots of crying and and talking we decided to stick it out together & remain a couple. I don't want to get into too many details here but he basically said something along the lines of "There's no problem we can't fix, don't you agree?" and I do. Anyone who knows us well is aware of how strong our ties to each other are. Word of advice: Don't hold back things that you are worried about. Even if letting the other person know hurts, it needs to be said. Fears fester and become a problem that could potentially destroy any relationship. Keep it in your head too long and sometimes the problem appears to have no solution, even if in truth it can be fixed.

The vet called and told me that Alice's blood tests came back normal and that I needed to come back in 48 hours to do another test. My spirits lifted a lot when he said that. Alice suddenly got extremely affectionate with me as if she knew. She's been snuggling with me all night and sleeping right next to me as I type this. Sometimes I wonder if she's smarter than she appears. I'm sure a lot of it was just the comfort of being home and no longer afraid, but the timing seemed special.

This isn't the first time I've saved her life. She's the worst dog ever but I love her so dearly. I'm still beating myself up for not shoving those Raisinettes in a drawer or something but what can you do? What's done is done. She probably didn't learn her lesson but I learned mine. Second word of advice: Don't under any circumstances let a dog eat raisins. If they do, rush them to a vet right away.

Overall, one of the worst days of my life. But I survived! And so did Alice. It's a beautiful day today and it's time to think positively. My stress levels have been ridiculously high but hopefully I can work on bringing those back down to normal. I hope everyone is doing well. I apologize for my absence.

P.S. it's Lovely Lor's birthday today so stop by and wish her a wonderful year! Birthday blogger followers are always nice too.

Everybody has a secret world inside of them.

2010-03-06T11:47:00.004-05:00

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Dear Mermaid, Double Feature: Boyfriend Advice & Body Image

2010-03-05T17:18:00.016-05:00

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Dear Mermaid,

I've recently started reading your blog, I found it through the Miseducated site. I like all of your advice you've given to the people who write to you so I decided I should see what sort of meaningful advice you will give to me.

It's sort of a long story but I'm going to try to keep it short.

Okay so here's the beginning: About a year ago, December to be exact, I was going through a point in my life where I was severely depressed. I ended up admitting myself into a Psych Ward for 6 days. I had a lot of support from friends and family, but my living situation had to change. I was living with my grandparents and they wanted me to move in with my aunt because they were afraid something was going to happen to me. So I moved in with my aunt and her boyfriend, who I already knew through his son.

This is where it gets good... We start hanging out, and we really clicked. I've known him forever so I never thought of him anything more than a friend, well I was wrong. He was moving to San Diego to just get a new start with his life, and I started to develop feelings for him. As soon as he left I decided to stop beating around the bush and told him how I felt, and to my surprise he felt the exact same way. So we keep in touch for about two months, but I decided since I couldn't be with him I needed to stop all of it. I started dating a guy I met, and everything was going good until he got comfortable. I was miserable for months.

Well this Christmas, Henry (fake name for San Diego guy) came home and just one night of us hanging out together all of my feelings came rushing back. This led to that and this, and now here I am living in San Diego with him. I haven't been this happy in so long, it feels great.

But there's a downer to all this, he was a total sweetheart, couldn't keep his hands off of me, doing cute things for me. He couldn't wait to talk to me, and we would stay up for five hours at a time on the phone. Now that I'm here I feel like that guy went away, he sort of changed on me. I guess he got me here now he doesn't have to do all that anymore. Now don't get me wrong I like him A LOT! or I wouldn't have moved all the way out to San Diego from Pittsburgh.

What do you think I should do, give it some time? Should I confront him this early in our relationship ? I don't want to push him away, I'm starting to fall for him and it's scaring me. Which is totally weird for me because I think love is a beautiful thing, and I like to let myself fall because if you don't try you'll never know. But it feels different with him because I've known him for years and now we're at this level and I don't want to screw it up with him.

Sorry for all that I just need some sincere advice. Thanks so much.

Thanks for writing in! I'm so glad you're doing better and feeling happier.

If his change in behavior is really bothering you & making you wonder I think the best way to go about this is to confront him, but not in an accusatory way.

Instead of saying "Hey! Why aren't you doing this for me anymore?!" Ask him if anything's changed or if he's just getting comfortable with your relationship. Let him know that you noticed a change you were wondering if anything was wrong.

Tell him how much you appreciate all the nice things he does for you. Sometimes when guys don't feel appreciated, they stop trying so hard. Chances are he's just getting comfortable with you, but I think the key to a successful relationship is to always communicate. Honesty is always the best policy and if you want this to last, you've got to be able to address a worry when it comes up.

It's okay to let your significant other know what you want in a relationship without putting on too much pressure or issuing an ultimatum. Don't forget to treat your partner as you would like to be treated.

Good luck and I hope your relationship turns out to be everything you hoped!

- ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ -

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Hello,

Well let me start of by saying I truly love your blog and have read all of your articles. :)

Anyways I wanted to ask for your advice on a personal issue. I guess you can call me a late bloomer (in the development sense). I am 17 years old female and am going off to college in a couple of months.

I truly am not to worried about my development and not being developed yet but the pressure around me does affect me at times. I feel uncomfortable going to the beach or swimming with my friends because of what people may say behind my back or think.

I have focused on developing myself as a person and loving myself for me but do you have any other advice of how to feel comfortable. I think it does take a toll on my confidence and makes me want to wear baggy clothing and stay inside so I don't get judged or feel uncomfortable. I just wish there wasn't all this pressure from outside forces.

So do you have any advice for me other then learn to love myself?

Thanks so much for reading. I really appreciate your support.

I think the key to feeling confident at places like the beach is dressing yourself the right way. You don't have to put yourself in baggy clothing just because you feel insecure about the way you look. Try to find a great swimsuit and even a cover up to go with it. Look for one that accentuates the parts of your body that you are confident about. A lot of bathing suits offer padding in the top or you could even try a ruffled one.

I'm assuming that you're concerned that you're a late bloomer in the chest. You don't have to be big busted to be beautiful and confident. Just look at Milla Jovovich:

She has very small breasts. They don't even fill out her top, but does that stop her from rocking that bikini? No way. She looks gorgeous. Yes she's very thin, but most importantly she's confident. I don't think having a small chest is a problem at all.

Kate Hudson too. She's got tiny boobs but does that make her any less lovely? Of course not. Nor is she ashamed or trying to cover them up.

I think a lot of times we worry that people are staring at us and thinking negative thoughts, but most of the time people are so concerned with themselves that they don't even notice the very thing you're insecure about.

Accentuate your positives. What parts of your body do you like? Dress to them off. If you're insecure about your chest, what about focusing on your back or your shoulders?

If you want to mask the area (which you totally don't need to!) lingerie companies have come up with all kinds of ways to make boobs look larger. Find a bra that you like. High end department stores and places like Victoria's Secret even do free fittings and can help you find exactly what you're looking for.

I know we are constantly projected with the thought that big breasts are so important but I refuse to believe that there's only one kind of attractive body type. Some of the most beautiful women of all time have been small chested like Audrey Hepburn!

You are who you are and you've gotta work with what you're given so why not just embrace it?

I hope this helps you feel better, girlie.

Personal Update

2010-03-04T12:53:00.003-05:00

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It's been a very tumultuous week for me. A lot of things have been going on in my personal life and it's been rocky and painful to say the least, hence the lack of daily posts. I'm figuring things out and trying to get my life back on track.

I registered for school, so I'm going to work on being a student starting this summer. I've got a couple great friends coming to visit in 10 days or so and then I've got to plan another South Carolina trip. Things should be looking up.

Thanks for still coming to the site every day even when there's nothing new. I love you guys.

Chucks & Dresses

2010-03-02T13:11:00.002-05:00

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I've never been a fan of heels. I once thought perhaps my feet were just too sensitive and that I was the anomaly that couldn't handle the pain. Maybe I am extra sensitive, but I gave up trying over a year ago. I don't really care what they do for my butt or my height, they hurt so just forget about it.

I've always liked ballet flats, but even they can be hit or miss. Zero support plus the potential for blisters. I own many pairs of boots which I wear very often, but nothing beats the comfort of a pair of sneakers.

(Kristen Stewart)

I remember when I first bought a pair of Converse All Star's back in middle school. I thought they were the coolest and I wore them every day until my mom threw them away. To this day I still have a pair of classic black Chucks in my closet at all times.

(Sarah Silverman)

I love the contrast of a frilly dress with a pair of Converse. I used to think it was totally not okay but after trying it a few times myself, I'm in love. Especially with how many colors they come in now. They're cute and they're classic so why not be comfortable even when you want to be girly?

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They go with everything, really. Not convinced? Check out all the Converse sets on Lookbook.nu!

I love Maria Taylor's Time Lapse Lifeline video. Pretty girls in frilly dresses wearing sneakers on their feet:

Most of the time they just look better as they age & they definitely get more comfortable. I have a pair of of pink ones & a pair of Carolina blue ones on their way to me. I also really like yellow and lavender. Future collection additions, I hope.

Convinced? Ready to liberate your feet and get a pair? Check out Delia's. They have a huge variety of colors. Even my mom's considering getting some.

Dear Mermaid, My Friendship Isn't Mutual

2010-03-01T16:22:00.006-05:00

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Dear Mermaid,

I don't even really know why I'm writing you, but obviously seeing all the positivity you bring on your blog made me think that you might be able to help me.

Right now, I feel extremely downhearted. You see, there is a friend & I care about her a lot. I thought we were even best friends. The thing is...everything seems so complicated with her sometimes.

She has been with this guy that I loathe for almost a year now. They keep breaking up all the time. No one takes her relationship seriously and it's making me sad to see her getting rejected each time he immaturely decides to consider her like trash.

I guess she is sort of trying to move on now. I gave her tons and tons of advice to completely stop seeing him. When he is feeling alone, he calls her, and she goes and meet him, and I know they sleep with each other.

I hate him. I know him quite well. He is the best friend of my ex-boyfriend who dumped me the very day I lost my virginity to him. Never called me back, never talked to me again. He's now going out with a younger girl and seems to be happy. I was sad, hurt, and depressed but not anymore. It's been months and I simply decided to stop hoping that one day, someone would like me for real and care about me.

But anyway, let's get back to my first story. She never listens. I even think she is avoiding me. We only meet up when she wants to have fun, drink alcohol to forget her ex, smoke, do things I don't want to do anymore because I don't feel like this is me. Deep down underneath it all, I'm ashamed I don't know how to deal with this.

See, she's even going out with some of my own friends behind my back. She knows them because I often invite all the friends I like to hang out together. She's denying there is something going on between those friends, but the last one knows me better than her, and never told me they were going to go to the cinema together today. I always invited them all. I told my sister about it, because I can't keep this to myself otherwise I'll feel like I'll explode from the inside. She doesn't like my friend. Even considers her like a whore. Sorry for the swearing.

But I somehow agree...I can't help but feel suspicious about the whole thing. Am I jealous?

I promised myself I wouldn't care anymore. I shouldn't care anymore right? She never listens to me. I told her, begged her to not see her ex anymore and she doesn't listen. She even lied to me to see him once, when we were supposed to go to a party together. I don't know what to think of that. This is so confusing. I want to say a lot more but I don't know how... I feel like if I tell her what's going on inside my head, we're not going to be friends anymore. I don't know why it hurts. I don't know if you understand what I mean.

How do I stop caring? How do I get better? I believe it's only hurting me, not her. I'm not happy with this. How do I let go? I don't even know what to ask...

PS: I'm a French (almost) 20 years old girl, and I'm sorry if there are many grammar mistakes. Just so you know that I am supporting you! :)

Thank you very much for supporting me! Your english is fabulous. Much better than my French would be.

Sometimes friends can be the biggest heart breakers. I can completely relate to you. I have had so many friends that I've had similar dilemmas with.

Eventually I had to look at myself and decide what I was willing to tolerate and what I wasn't. When I really thought about it I realized that a friend who doesn't value your friendship isn't really a friend.

It never feels good to be someone's back up or to feel like someone is avoiding you and being passive. Especially when it's someone you care about. It's important in situations like these to always be open and honest. If she decides that she doesn't want to be your friend just because you finally told her how you really felt, then it probably wasn't meant to be.

There's only so much time you can invest in other people's problems. Especially if they want to keep digging themselves into the same hole over and over. It's admirable how much you have tried to help her and of course it's not wrong for you to care so much. She's very lucky, it's too bad she doesn't seem to realize it.

You've said your piece about her boyfriend as much as it hurts it may be time to separate yourself from her. Don't hold your breath, but maybe she'll come around eventually. Before you do make your feelings on the situation clear. Tell her how much you care for her but let her know how what she does makes you feel. If she doesn't change her behavior, it's her loss.

In the past when I was in a similar situation I simply said "Listen, I care a lot about you but you seem to be dealing with some issues that are controlling your life and affecting me in a negative way. I'm going to need to back off from you for a while. Let me know if things get better and you feel like we can have a functional friendship." It worked out well and now we're still friends.

You might be feeling jealous over the fact that your friends are hanging out without you, but I think that's understandable. You should just ask them what the deal is.

A true friend will care about your feelings and won't leave you in the dark about why they're treating you badly. A true friend doesn't want you to be hurting over their behavior. Remember that. It can be lonely waiting for true friends to make an appearance in your life, but don't settle for less than you deserve.

There's no magical way to make yourself stop caring, but in the meantime I think you should just focus on yourself and try to make some better friends. Keep yourself busy and try not to let yourself spend too much time dwelling on this.

In regards to this: "It's been months and I simply decided to stop hoping that one day, someone would like me for real and care about me." I know that english is not your first language so I was a little confused on what you meant here. I'm hoping that you meant to say that you gave up on your ex boyfriend and are waiting for the person who will like you for you. However, if you mean what you said please don't give up hope. There is someone out there who will take you the way you are and love you for it.

Hang in there and don't let people treat you badly. You seem like a sweetheart and anyone would be lucky to have you care for them so much. You just need to find friends that realize what a privilege it is.

What I'm Wearing February 27, 2010

2010-02-27T16:07:00.002-05:00

I finally got around to taking some outfit photos. My room is super messy and my kitty is getting chubby. Blogger desaturated these photos a lot.

Sweater blouse: Forever 21.
Blue camisole: Mom's closet.
Skirt: Forever 21
Pink bow belt: Forever 21. Back from my lolita days.
Leggings: Target
Stripey socks: Sock dreams. They're blue but it's hard to tell.
Boots: Steve Madden. They are awful. They started peeling the second day I got them. I still wear them because they're comfy and cute.

I think I am actually going to go see Shutter Island tonight with the boyfriend and some friends. I'm really excited to see it since I've heard such good things.

Bento Box Mania!

2010-02-27T12:20:00.011-05:00

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It's no secret that I love food, and cute food? Extra love points! I've known about bento boxes for a really long time and when I used to live in CA and we visited all the awesome Japanese stores in Costa Mesa I would always look at the bento making books. I've seen so many incredible ones. So pretty you feel guilty for eating them.

I've decided I finally want to try my hand at making them. Why? Because my boyfriend Wesley goes to work everyday and buys lunch. It would be nice to pack him something at least some of the time. I imagine a lot of boyfriends would say "Oh, god my girlfriend's going to make me bring a cutesy lunch everyday..." but not mine! He was super excited when I told him I was thinking about it.

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So, what are they you ask? Bento is a Japanese style packed lunch. It could be any meal, really but typically it's lunch. Bento boxes are lunch boxes, but they're a little different than the Western kind. They're a lot smaller and designed to pack food efficently. While they come in all shapes and sizes, they typically have dividers to keep your foods separated. Most importantly? They're CUTE! You can buy very plain and modest ones if that's your style, but personally I'm all for the outrageously adorable.

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A quick google search will yield many kinds of bento boxes and there are many online specialty stores who sell all different types of bento making supplies. Realistically, you could use what you already have in your kitchen. The idea is to create a healthy and aesthetically pleasing lunch in a box that you could bring with you or send someone off with. It doesn't have to be fancy shmancy but it can be a fun creative outlet.

So, what do I put in it?

Anything you want that can be eaten cold, or if you get a microwaveable bento box, anything that can be reheated. Onigiri (rice balls) and hard boiled eggs are pretty easy and popular. You can put in mini sandwiches, hot dogs, leftovers, you name it! There are entire websites dedicated to bento box recipes and ideas like justbento.com. Cooking Cute has entire sections based on what you want to put in. It even has a long list of vegetarian recipes.

Rice is a bento staple. I bought a 15 dollar rice cooker at Target and it's wonderful. I've made some great Japanese style rice. The trick is getting the right kind. It would be helpful if you can find an asian food market around you, but I've gotten some pretty good Japanese rice from my local grocery store next to all the "ethnic" foods. You can even find all this stuff on Amazon. Rice, boxes and everything! Ebay is also a good place to look for bento making supplies.

Remember when I wrote a review on La Carmina's Cute Yummy Time? A lot of her recipes in there are perfect for this.

Boxes and Tools

I recommend checking out jbox's bento section. While they can be expensive, they have quite a selection of bento making accessories and it can give you a good idea of what's available. They have everything from egg molds to microwaveable pasta steamers and once you know what you want you can search around and see what you can find a lower price. These things definitely aren't crucial but a lot of them are helpful and if nothing else cute & fun. Some of them are really interesting.

Don't be afraid to be creative. Use whatever you have at your disposal. You don't necessarily have to buy anything new.

A cute, healthy, and delicious bento box can really brighten up a day and give you peace of mind about the nutritional choices you're making. These are a big hit with kids and might be a fun way of getting them to eat things they usually might not want to.

If anyone decides to try this please send me pictures! I'd love to see what you create. I'll keep you updated on the boyfriend's lunch.

Dear Mermaid, Which Future Should I Choose?

2010-02-26T14:05:00.001-05:00

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Dear Mermaid,

In July, my very happy marriage bound 4-year relationship ended abruptly & I'm honestly still not sure why. He was my soulmate & best friend. I honestly don't see myself having a life & family with anyone else. It was either a future with him or lots of cats. It still hurts now, 7 months later, every day. I recently went back into counseling but as the technology to erase memories a la Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind does not yet exist, I really don't think there is any hope that I will ever not love him. We broke up years ago for a year & a half and the pain only worsened over that time. It literally feels like half of my soul has been violently torn out of me.

I medicated the pain by jumping into a rebound 2 weeks after our split. It was just supposed to be a fun summer thing, a distraction & I'm not exactly sure how or at what point it turned into a real relationship. Recently I've realized that I've been in serious relationships for almost 10 years (16- 25 yikes!) with little to no break in between. I also realized that I have spent my adult life looking at marriage and family as The Future, the ultimate goal. Now that the Soulmate or Nothing relationship is over, I realize the Nothing isn't nothing at all; it's ME! And I can do whatever I want!

So I told the newish boyfriend (we've been dating 7 months now) that while I would like to keep dating him, I don't want to be in a relationship. I want to rearrange my priorities to a) turn my shiny new master's degree into a satisfying career & b) move back to NYC. He's not terribly happy about this, but he is being incredibly supportive. However, during the course of the conversation he brought up some "hypotheticals" involving a ring. Yesterday I got the truth out of him: he did, indeed, buy a ring 2 months ago, knowing I'm not ready. He wanted to be prepared, he said. Now I feel totally crappy, guilty & selfish. At the same time, I think he's an idiot for buying a ring for a girl he's known less than a year. I've been brutally honest with him about my feelings for both him & my ex & what my goals are for moving & a career so I know it's not my fault & that I didn't mislead him, but I still feel guilty.

However, I don't really imagine this guy as part of the future I want. I do care about him, but it's not anywhere near the beautiful relationship I was in before. I think I COULD love him enough & be happy with him...if I could erase my memory, if I didn't know how much love & happiness I'm capable of. At the same time, I have no intention to ever get married anymore. I'm living my alternate ending, which is kind of exciting as much as it is depressing.

I'm not ready to let go of this guy completely until I'm able to move. We kind of live together (my parents are nearby so all my stuff is there, but I spend most of my time at his place.) He got me a puppy 4 months ago who I take care of & keep at his place as I can't have him at my parents' house.

I guess I don't really know what I'm asking for. Should I screw the "just dating" premise, give up the dog & jump ship completely? Should I wait until a new living option becomes available to me? How can I not feel guilty about the fact that somewhere in his house he's hiding a very expensive ring that was/is intended for me? Is there a way to forget my ex & our best-romantic-comedy-ever-told-off-the-big-screen relationship? I just don't even know where to start processing all this information & these feelings that have ambushed me.

Isn't God hilarious, though? The MOMENT I make peace with losing the marriage & family future I've wanted my whole life, I find out a guy has a ring waiting for me. Hopefully God's had his laugh now & will give me a killer magazine career & apartment in NYC.

I think you have the right thoughts in your head but you're having trouble working through them.

First of all, I want you to ask yourself if things would be different without the ring and the puppy. Are these things holding you back from what you really want out of life? From everything you've written above it seems like this relationship really isn't what you want but there are many different reasons why you're still attached. Perhaps the wrong reasons.

It really does sound to me like you need a break and time to focus on you and the life you want to build for yourself. I think the idea of getting getting engaged to someone else while you still have a broken heart sounds really stressful and eventually damaging. You need time to heal before you can make any long term commitments. It seems like you already know that.

You say "I don't really imagine this guy as part of the future I want. I do care about him, but it's not anywhere near the beautiful relationship I was in before." Don't you think he deserves better than that? Don't you think you deserve better than that? He obviously feels like he does have a future with you but if it's not reciprocal & if it never will be, I think you're both barking up the wrong tree. It sounds like you already know this too.

I can see how it would be very easy to be attached to this guy in your current situation. You're heartbroken and confused, and hey you like him! He wants to offer you the security that you're longing for, too. On paper it sounds great but I think you know the truth in your heart. It doesn't feel right. A puppy and a ring can't make two people right for each other.

This stands out a lot to me: "I think I COULD love him enough & be happy with him...if I could erase my memory, if I didn't know how much love & happiness I'm capable of" Don't settle for less. You can have that happiness again. You may not find it right away but it's out there waiting for you.

Don't feel guilty if you decide to fully break it off. You didn't say that you wanted to get married and he even told you he knew you weren't ready. He bought the ring knowing it might not happen. You didn't commit and you were open and honest.

Follow your heart. If that means moving to NYC and going after that magazine career, by all means go for it. Don't set yourself up for regret. Take some time to work through your feelings and really listen to yourself. You may find that you want a different life than you thought.

It's great that you're going to counseling. I think you should definitely stick with that and use it as a tool to help you figure out what you truly want.

It's ultimately up to you how, when, and if you want to end the relationship or "just dating" scenario. I think it's a good idea to take some time to yourself, but I understand not wanting to completely abandon the situation. Think it over and decide what's best for you. Keep being honest like you have been and I don't think you can go wrong. Just remember that the longer you prolong the situation, the more painful it may ultimately become for him. If you're certain this isn't what you want then you should follow through with that.

As far as the ex boyfriend heartbreak? Remember that time heals all wounds. It may take a lot of time and you can fill it up with your future and your goals. I think one day you'll look back and think of everything you learned from the relationship and how much things have changed for you.

The very best of luck to you. I hope all your dreams end up coming true.

Sun Pills

2010-02-25T22:41:00.005-05:00

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While I was thumbing through some magazines I saw multiple mentions of "sunscreen pills" or "heliocare" pills. The very idea peaked my interest to say the least, and I did some research.

When you plug "sun pills" into google, the first site that comes up is Heliocare.

"Heliocare pills are taken as an oral supplement and contain 3 natural ingredients (beta-carotene, green tea and a natural fern extract) that help protect against the harmful effects of the sun's UV rays. With Heliocare you'll increase your tolerance to the sun, reduce skin damage brought on by daily exposure and maintain your skin's elasticity.

Filled with natural antioxidants, Heliocare is the first oral sun protection not only clinically but microscopically proven to fight against UV-induced damage. Heliocare pills also provide cell protection in the epidermis (the outer layer of skin) and protect skin cell DNA.

Heliocare pills are taken daily and are active within half an hour of your first dose - other oral sun protection can take months to build up effective levels of protection. Since Heliocare pills are taken orally they are highly effective in protecting cells deep in the skin. Without the proper sun protection, damage to these deeper cells can cause premature aging, e.g. wrinkles."

Hm, alright. 60 capsules run for $47.00. Some pretty positive reviews can be found here.

More research yielded a Cosmopolitan Magazine Q and A asking:

"Do those new SPF pills really provide sun protection?"

"No gimmick here! 'By blending antioxidants, vitamins and plant extracts that work at your skin's cellular level, sun pills help support your natural defenses against the sun,' says Perry Robins, M.D., president and founder of the Skin Cancer Foundation. But they don't provide enough protection on their own, so combine them with a topical sunscreen."

Sunpill.com, another sunscreen pill company, says:

"The active ingredient in the SunPill is Polypodium Leucotomos and has seen used to help protect the skin. Dermatologist research has discovered that Polypodium Leucotomos may provide skin protection by blocking dangerous ultraviolet (UV) rays that can damage skin. Taking the SunPill has some great advantages when compared with topical sunscreen. The SunPill provides protection to all of the skin… so you won't miss a spot with the SunPill! The SunPill cannot be rubbed off or washed off during swimming and sweating. It provides constant protection for your skin."

30 tablets from Sunpill will run you $19.95.

While they seem very expensive, I'm curious to try them. Not only do I have very fair skin, but I get sun sick ridiculously easy. 10 or 15 minutes in the sun makes me want to pass out and I wonder if these might help that problem.

What do you think? Have any of you tried them? Unnecessary gimmick or sunscreen revolution?

Miseducated Feature: 10 Ways to Brighten Your Days

2010-02-25T14:41:00.003-05:00

Some of you might remember when I became a Miseducated staff writer. I haven't written for it in quite a while but I'm back!

10 Ways to Brighten Your Days

Photo of the Day February 24th, 2010

2010-02-24T18:13:00.002-05:00

Hey it's not a photobooth picture! But it might as well be since it's self taken and I'm sitting in the same spot.

I think I'm going to go see Shutter Island but I'm not 100% sure yet.

When I was in South Carolina my three year old niece told me I had poop in my hair because my brunette roots were growing out. I cracked up laughing. Also regarding my eyeliner she said "Mimi, you have something on your eyes." as if I needed to wipe it off. Oh, kids and their brutal honesty.

I think I'm going to refer to dying my roots as "de-pooping" from now on.

Lush Links - February 23rd 2010

2010-02-23T17:19:00.004-05:00

♦ Kirstin Dunst is turning Japanese and it's cute! Beware of some cartoon nudity:

♦ Mental Floss visits Linda Vista, an abandoned hospital in east LA.

♦ How To Make a Tiny Terrarium in a Light Bulb.

♦ Cubeecraft! Possibly the best thing I've ever seen.

♦ Play Zelda Online. You are welcome.

♦ A Million and One Uses for Tea and Tea Bags. Spoilers: There's not really a million and one.

♦ Photoshop Disasters. I'm not so ashamed to admit to you that I spent quite a lot of time on here earlier today.

♦ A note from a kind stranger.

♦ Lemon Soda. One of the best blogs I've seen in a long time.

♦ Star Wars Burlesque. Yes, really.

♦ Oh how I wish I could have gone to Tim Burton's exhibit at MoMA!

♦ Skye of The Lost Princess is one of my favorite bloggers. This is beautiful.

♦ I'm Smitten.

♦ Valley Of The (Living) Dolls: Mori Fashion, Ageha Girls, And Escapism. A follow up on the NY Times article: Cult of the Living Doll in Tokyo.

♦ Tina Fey was on the cover of Vogue this month! Here, she recounts all her fashion regrets throughout the years. I adore her.

♦ Jezebel has a lot of really interesting and thought provoking articles.

♦ io9 is pretty amazing too.

Photo of the Day February 22nd, 2010

2010-02-22T13:30:00.003-05:00

It's my first day back home. Wesley's dad's in town so we're going to DC to have lunch with him and see a movie.

Love & Loathe, February 22nd 2010

2010-02-22T11:18:00.003-05:00

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LOVE:
♥ Super sweet emails and comments.

♥ Being home again with my beagle, kitty, and boyfriend.

♥ Sailor Moon. A while ago I got all the seasons and decided to watch them again. I'm on Sailor Moon R now. It's so depressing at times but goooood. I call my boyfriend Mamoru.

♥ My sister and her family. I had a fantastic trip. Definitely the best visit I've ever had to see her.

♥ Waking up to "Mimi, I'm waiting for you to wake up." & "Mimi, I got you some fresh water."

♥ Picking out outfits for little girls. I had a lot of fun helping my sister take care of my nieces.

♥ Tumblr. I know I was against it but I love it now.

♥ Cute Valentine's gifts from Wesley waiting for me when I get home. Kid Robot Boosh figures! Yeah!

♥ Pink glittery nail polish. I'm all about sparkly nails these days and I'm constantly trying new combinations.

♥ Watching Disney movies and noticing really funny things I didn't notice before. "And when we touched she didn't shutter at my paw!"

♥ Getting ready to go back to school.

♥ The wonderful friends I've made in Virginia.

♥ Wesley turning to the cult of Apple. Macbook twins.

♥ The anticipation of two of my favorite people coming to visit me next month. Hopefully we'll go on adventures that I can document.

♥ Cupcakes. This is something I love every day of my life but I made & ate so many when I was in South Carolina.

♥ Warm weather. It was sunny in SC!

LOATHE:

♣ Coming back to cold weather. Ugh. Snow is still on the ground.

♣ Missing everyone in SC.

♣ People who say things just to make a negative impact.

♣ False assumptions.

♣ Intense anxiety.

♣ When friends just disappear.

♣ Gossip and general trash talking. No one needs it.

♣ Missing Disneyland. This is a tragedy, really.

What about you?

Take A Look At Yourself

2010-02-21T14:20:00.000-05:00

Dear Mermaid, I Like A Guy I Might Not Be Compatible With

2010-02-20T22:08:00.005-05:00

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I am at a crossroads! So I guess to give a bit of background, I like this boy. We're both in high school - he's a senior about to graduate and I'm a sophomore. A mutual friend told him that I was interested in him, so he texted me to ask me to a date. We eventually decided upon lunch. A few days before the date, I asked him out to lunch at school, and we spent the entire hour talking - I thought it was a bit awkward and slow simply due to the fact that we didn't know each other well, so I disregarded the mismatched energies.

Well, the date came and the same thing happened; he was mellow as was I, which I completely regret. But this isn't the him that everyone else knows. He's really energetic and random around his friends, yet when we talk he seems a bit detached. I think it may be partly my fault as well. I didn't exactly show my excitement, mainly due to my fear about talking about myself.

Now after the date, I'm ambivalent - I'm not sure if it's an "early relationship/getting-to-know-you phase" or simply because we don't have chemistry - and according to our mutual friend, he's ambivalent too.

I have a feeling that I jumped in too quickly - I didn't know him that well to begin with and we hadn't much in common. So now I'm stuck. Said mutual friend, who knows him so much better than I do, claims that he will probably just not follow up. I'm still interested in him, though, so I don't know what to do. First of all, should I wait for him to make a move (which isn't likely to happen?) Should I cut & run and never talk to him again since he's graduating in a few months? Or should I try to do damage control by asking him to lunch on Monday, explain myself, and if he's still interested show my true, less nervous self? And if I do have lunch with him on Monday, how do I show my "real" self without becoming how I have the last few times, reticent and slightly sarcastic/cynical?

On one hand, I talked to the mutual friend, and he wants me to cut & run, simply to save my pride and for me not look too "desperate." And on the other hand, I really want this to work out - I want to get to know him, but I'm afraid that Monday may just end up being a repeat of the past two meetings.

Thanks,

T.C.

I decided to answer this one with a bit of urgency since you say "Monday" and perhaps you mean this Monday in which you need some quick advice.

This is easier than you think. I know how it is to agonize and make everything more complicated when you're interested in someone special, but it really comes down to two things:

A. Always be yourself. No matter what. The right guy will like you for you and that's who you're on the lookout for.

B. Always be honest. Explain exactly how you feel. It's so easy to get lost in the high school politics of he said/she said/a mutual friend said. Dial direct.

If you are still interested, it's worth it to show your true colors and see if there's anything there. Who knows? You might have a lot in common after all. Ask him to lunch and explain yourself. Let him know that you're interested in him and that you'd like to get to know him better without a wall of anxiety in the way. Don't let friends make your decisions for you. Go with your gut.

As for showing your true self: let go of the fear of judgment. I think that the number one reason why people get confused and start acting like someone they're not is due to the constant worry that someone won't like them for who they are. You want someone who likes you for who you are, so be true! If they don't end up liking you it wasn't meant to be. Simple as that.

Good luck!

Dear Mermaid, How Do I Get Rid of Relationship Paranoia?

2010-02-19T17:27:00.006-05:00

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I have been with my current boyfriend for more than a year now. We got together in a terribly painful way, as I had been dating someone else for 9 years when I fell deeply in love with him.

I've had a very hard time since that summer of 2008 because I had to break up my one and only real relationship ever. And because I lost all of my "friends," who sided against me. I was insulted by many of them and abandoned by the others.

Since then, I must admit that I don't believe in everlasting love any more. I don't believe in friendship, I don't believe in my ability to keep the people I love next to me.

When this relationship begun, I wanted to be the best girlfriend in the world and not to be possessive, but in May I felt him getting close to a colleague and saw saddening e-mails and pictures - harmless, but that could be interpreted in a wrong way.

I freaked out and realized that if I once fell in love with someone other than my boyfriend, this could happen to him too! I was crushed, as was my trust. Now I tend to be more and more jealous, with paranoid tendencies.

I can't stand him looking at a pretty girl because I immediately think she is better than me and that he obviously noticed that too. When I suspect 'something' is happening, even something like a fantasy, I feel so bad that I don't want to exist anymore.

I regret it afterward because I know I was acting crazy, but I'm so afraid of losing him that it paralyzes me most of the time and I can't help it.

So my question is: what can I do to stop thinking things like this?

Thank you very much,

V.

It sounds to me like you've got some confidence issues which are affecting other aspects of your life.

I used to have similar feelings about the friendships and relationships in my life. Eventually I came into a line of thinking that has really helped me find a balance. I've had people ask me if I ever felt worried about my relationship ending or my boyfriend finding someone else. My reply is now "No, I trust him completely. Even if he did decide he wanted something else, there would be nothing I could do about it."

You have to take life as it comes. Worrying about potential problems isn't going to help you. It's going to make you feel worse. The people who are meant to be in your life stick around or end up coming back. You have to enjoy the time you spend with people even if it's not going to be forever.

Sometimes when we fear something enough, we will it to happen. Don't push your boyfriend away because of your paranoia. You should try to build a stronger relationship, not tear it apart by agonizing over every potential mishap.

It's important that you don't put all your eggs in one basket, so to speak. Especially since you feel so unsure about everything. Build a life for yourself. Don't give up on seeking out new friends. A good friend will care for you no matter what the status of your relationship is.

If your boyfriend wanted to leave, would you really want him to stay regardless of his feelings? I know I wouldn't. Put forth an effort to strengthen your relationship but should he ever leave, it's not the end of the world. Life goes on. The ideal relationship is free from worry and suspicion but full of trust. If you can't trust your boyfriend you don't have the one thing every relationship should be based on.

I can certainly see how your confidence would be shaken. It's time to learn how to be your own rock. Build yourself up to be the best person you can be. Become someone you are proud of. People sometimes let you down, but you'll always have you.

I think jumping from one relationship to another usually creates problems, but ending a 9 year relationship for a new one is a huge adjustment. A lot of times people who leave long term relationships immediately look for the same kind of security with their next partner. The fact is that you can't always expect that. Remember that you're building something that's very new in comparison.

I would suggest talking to your boyfriend about your insecurities. Be open and honest. Chances are he'll understand and try to help you feel more stable.

Above all else, do what it takes to make you feel better about yourself. It's amazing how much of your life clicks back into place when you're secure with yourself. Think positive. Think confident. You can do it.

Good luck!

See also: How to Pick Yourself Up Off the Floor, Boosting Your Self Confidence, and How to Change Your Perception.

Assumptions

2010-02-19T16:43:00.003-05:00

Dear Mermaid, How Do I Overcome Sexual Abuse?

2010-02-18T16:07:00.009-05:00

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Dear Mermaid,

I have been dealing with a secret since I was 6 years old.

My cousin, who is only 2 years older than me, did not have the best parents. They drank, did drugs, and watched porn with him in the room. One day, he asked if I wanted to play house. As we were playing he said we should do what grown ups do. He took my clothes off and well, you know the rest.

Afterward, I told him it was weird and didn't want to do that anymore. He said I would never be allowed to play with him anymore if I told and that he would say it was my idea. So every time I would go to his house, we would play "house." Something inside knew it was wrong, but it continued until I was 9 or so.

At 9 years old, I learned that you could get pregnant by something called sex. Something inside clicked and I told him I would not do it anymore because I didn't want to get pregnant. He stopped bothering me about it. He again asked me to do "it" when I was 13, but I refused. He said he'd kill me if I told.

I've only told 2 people in my life. Friends that I trust very much. I know that what happened is not my fault. And to some extent, not even his. I tell myself that I forgive myself and him, but I'm not so sure I have.

I have never been in a relationship and I am almost 24. I have gone on a total of 4 dates in my life. I have been kissed once- at 21 (actually not true, the cousin kissed me and a girl in 2nd grade) it was awkward and I was almost in tears when it happened.

This is obviously holding me back. How do I move forward? How can I finally let it go? I see no point in telling my parents or anything because it happened years ago and there is nothing that can be done. There is tension between my family and his already, why cause more trouble? Also, when people ask me if I'm a virgin, what do I say?

Thanks for any advice you can give.

P.S. I should mention that I kept it a secret out of fear for awhile I guess, but then it was just because I didn't see the point in saying anything. Also, since I was 13 I have rarely seen him and he isn't a jerk to me or anything when I do. He hasn't threatened me again. He says hello and helped me out with a project. He acts as if nothing happened as do I.

I must commend you for being so brave. Reaching out for help is not an easy feat. This is such a heavy subject and my heart really goes out to you. Carrying something like this on your shoulders must be very hard, hopefully this means it's time to lift some of that weight off of you.

I would very strongly suggest you seek out a good therapist. I think it will help you tremendously. You've been living with this pain for such a long time and it's important to find someone to help you work through these issues. Don't be afraid to shop around and pick one who you feel comfortable with. I can't stress this enough. Therapy really can be life changing and I think it could absolutely help you.

It's very common for people who have been sexually abused to have issues with romantic relationships. You are not alone. Don't force yourself into anything. You've got to work through this before you can expect to move on to a functional and healthy relationship.

When people ask you if you're a virgin you really don't have to give an answer. It's okay to say something like "I'd rather not discuss it." That's a really personal question and it's good to have boundaries.

I think it's totally okay to consider yourself a virgin. You didn't have consensual sex and I think virginity is something you give to someone, not something someone can take by force. I realize that there are many opposing views on this, but I don't think virginity is purely a physical thing. Ultimately it's up to you how you want to view it.

If you don't want to tell your parents that's your choice to make, however I don't think that you should keep it a secret just because there's already tension there. If you think it would help you to tell them, I would.

I think a lot of times when people are sexually abused they carry a misplaced feeling of guilt with them about the situation and that's often why they keep it a secret. The fact is that you were a victim and it might be viewed differently if you were victimized in a different way. If the abuse wasn't sexual, do you think you'd feel more inclined to tell your parents? I can see why you wouldn't want anymore conflict regarding the situation, but that's also something you can communicate to whoever you decide to tell.

It's very hard to forgive in this sort of situation, as I'm sure you know. It's okay if you haven't fully forgiven him yet. I think that you have finally broken the surface to the point where you are asking for help. That is absolutely wonderful. Now, ask for help from someone who specializes in working through these issues. After going to therapy for a while, you might be amazed at how different you feel about the situation.

You're absolutely right that this is not your fault, but it's impressively insightful to say that you know it's not his fault to an extent. It sounds like your cousin has some serious issues to work through as well. I can see how going on pretending that nothing happened is a lot easier than addressing the problem, but should you ever be in the position to suggest that he seek help I would mention it. It's not your responsibility to help him, but therapy isn't only for the victim.

Personally, I find writing about my personal problems to be very helpful and therapeutic. I have kept notebooks and journals for many years. I think it would be beneficial for you to write about this issue at great lengths. Putting your thoughts and feelings on paper helps you view all the different angles of a problem which can ultimately help you understand yourself better.

I wish you the very best on your road to recovery. Don't give up, you can work through this.

Photo of the Day February 18th, 2010

2010-02-18T11:50:00.003-05:00

I look like I have the heavens behind me but really I'm just sitting in front of a window.

My sister had a new baby three weeks ago, which is half the reason I'm here in South Carolina visiting. The other reason is that she already has two adorable little girls who love me very much and miss me. I feel the same about them, of course.

This morning I woke up to my niece Katie snuggling in bed with me. All morning I could hear "When is Mimi gonna wake up? Can I wake her up yet?!" Mimi is my nickname for my nieces and now nephew.

My sister has the sweetest dog. Her name is Lily and she's half husky and half German Shepherd. I had a German Shepherd when I was growing up named Lady. She was my best friend. Lily reminds me of her and she's so cuddly and maternal. She's always walking around checking on all the kids like Nana from Peter Pan.

I'm reading Alice in Wonderland with my older niece, Emma. She reads me a chapter and I read her a chapter. It's fun because she gets really into it.

I hope everyone is doing well! I'll get to those advice questions in my inbox ASAP!

We Can Never Judge the Lives of Others

2010-02-17T18:48:00.002-05:00

Travel Update

2010-02-17T00:48:00.002-05:00

Things might be kind of slow here at Mermaid in a Manhole for the next few days. I'm going to South Carolina to visit my sister and her kids. I'm bringing my macbook with me and I'll update when I can. ♥

How to Deal with Criticism

2010-02-15T01:25:00.004-05:00

Being criticized can be tough. Whether it's legitimate or not, it can sting. Criticism can come in so very many formats. So, how should we cope?

♥ Think about whether it's true or false. Really think. Sometimes the truth isn't what we want to hear at all, but we shouldn't shy away from it. Each situation is different but I encourage you to try to see your flaws for what they really are.

♥ Analyze it. While some criticism shouldn't take up too much of your time, analyzing legitimate complaints can be really helpful to you. Especially if someone's kind enough to be constructive. Try not to get fired up and upset right away, think it through first.

♥ Think about your response before you shout one out. Some things shouldn't even be dignified with a response, but the last thing you want to do is make yourself feel even more vulnerable by flying off the handle. Consider the best way to deal with the situation. You don't have to respond immediately.

♥ Decide whether you can use that criticism to improve yourself. Is this the wake up call you really needed? How do you think you can reflect this back on you in a positive way?

♥ If you find that something someone said is really gnawing at you, try to figure out why it's so important to you. Pull out a pen and some paper and write out all the sides of your emotions regarding the situation.

♥ Do you need to apologize for something? It's okay if you do. A dignified apology is 100% more respectable than sheer denial. Be genuine and address everything you feel you need to. Put it in writing if you have to.

♥ Don't let snarky or petty things get to you. Try your best to let those go. Some people need a place to let their anger out and you might become the target from out of what seems like nowhere. Getting angry and acting on that emotion is probably not going to help the situation. Ignore it or calm down and come up with an appropriate response. Don't sink to their level.

♥ Ask for clarification. Sometimes criticism can be tricky to understand. It's okay to dig deeper, try to figure out the source, and get a better grip on the situation.

♥ Find a balance in your responses. You don't have to snap at someone but you also don't have to roll over and give in. Be firm but not too harsh when addressing legitimate criticism.

♥ See the whole picture. I know a lot of people who go "all bad" when they get criticized. I'm guilty of it myself. Don't forget to see the good too.

♥ Fix it or move on. Decide whether you want to change something based on the complaint or if you want to move past it.

♥ Do something to distract you. You know those times where something someone said just keeps replaying in your mind even after you've dealt with it. Try to keep yourself busy and focus on more positive and productive things.

♥ Don't let criticism overshadow compliments. It's so easy to let this happen. Keep note of the good things people say about you too.

♥ Remember that what you think is the most important thing. Don't let some bad feedback rule your life.

The Positivity Battle

2010-02-14T02:35:00.004-05:00

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At first I was sort of sticking to the idea that when I didn't have constantly inspiring and positive things to say I should just stay away from blogging. I always wanted Mermaid in a Manhole to be a bright happy place where people can get inspired, and it is.

At the same time though, I want to be completely real. I'm open when it comes to advice questions regarding my personal issues but I'm not about what I still go through. I tell you guys that my struggles are all behind me and that now it's all about the positive but sometimes that's just not realistic.

My ideal message is that I want to spread positivity like an infectious disease. But, I want to be open about the struggles involved. Especially from someone like me who struggles with depression and lived in the dark for so very long.

I want Mermaid in a Manhole to be different from other lifestyle blogs out there. Sometimes you have to hit the bottom before you can rise to the top and that's the kind of thing people need help & encouragement with.

Some days you wake up and the last thing you want to do is smile. Some days you only go where the pain goes because you can't focus on anything else and that's all part of life.

That doesn't, however, mean that it's not a battle worth fighting. Fighting for happiness is important. Life isn't all cupcakes, ponies, and fairy tales but that's exactly why we should all appreciate the things that make life worth living.

I still want this to be a place infused with positivity but I don't want to deny the darker sides to life exist. Let's address the tough subjects and let's delve deep into the cold hard truth of life never giving up hope all the while.

Ignorance isn't the only key to bliss. It can be tough to carve your way to happiness but we can all do it. Life can be tough in general so let's talk about it. That's what makes everything more interesting.

I believe in living a positive life but I don't believe in turning a blind eye to everything else. I want to transition more into a lifestyle blog about life in all of its chaotic wonder.

As far as your advice questions that you all send in, go ahead and ask whatever it is you need help with. It can be dark and it can be deep, I'll do my best to help you out. Got a problem? Let's talk about it. Send me an email.

Photo of the Day February 12th, 2010

2010-02-12T18:34:00.003-05:00

Me today. We got a car free, finally and we're having friends over later.

Epic cleaning spree commence!

Ask me something on Formspring. ♥

The Self Improvement List: Inspiration Edition

2010-02-12T12:35:00.008-05:00

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Let's all get inspired to become the best people we can be. No more excuses or reasons why we haven't yet. Let's just do it.

♥ Stop defending or denying, fix and improve. Be proud of the person you're becoming.

♥ Working on yourself a little everyday is the biggest confidence booster you could ever get.

♥ Brainstorm all the qualities you admire and would like incorporate into your own personality. Make a conscious effort to start embodying those things.

♥ Ban behavior that makes you feel less than your best or embarrassed. Nothing's worse than looking back on something and wishing you had acted differently. Make an effort to act in a way that makes you proud and reflects who you are on the inside.

♥ Take this time to pick up new hobbies, skills, languages, instruments, books, whatever! The sky's the limit.

♥ There's never a time limit for this. You can make the effort to do this your entire life.

♥ Fill your mind with knowledge.

♥ Be helpful, kind, and courteous.

♥ Stop being rude! No one likes a rude person. This doesn't mean you have to be a vision of elegance and poise all the time, just use those manners your grandma taught you.

♥ Define your own style.

♥ Be more generous. This doesn't have to mean with your wallet. There are so many other things you can give. Pay more compliments when you see the opportunity, donate some time, send someone a letter, I'm sure you can think of something phenomenal. Keep your eye out for opportunities.

♥ Think of the people you admire. Why do you admire them? Do they have traits you'd like to have too? Adopt them in your own way.

♥ Improve your vocabulary. Be well spoken instead of a slang addict.

♥ Clean your house! Organize. Decide to be a cleaner person and make it happen.

♥ Keep in touch with the people you want in our life. Break it off with the people you don't.

♥ Learn to laugh at yourself.

♥ Stop being afraid to express who you are.

♥ Be as weird, strange, odd, and unique as you like and be proud of that.

♥ Stop letting the opinions of others control your life.

What do you think Muffins? What could you do to improve yourself and your life? If you wanna make your own list on your blog please do and send a link. I'll post them here.

Photo of the Day February 11th, 2010

2010-02-11T15:46:00.002-05:00

I just got done attempting to shovel my car out of the snow. When I started all you could see was the side mirror on the passenger side. I shoveled out half of the car and Wesley went to go work on the other side. Shoveling snow is a good workout, by the way. Not looking forward to the incredible soreness tomorrow.

We have sun now, as you can see but there's tons and tons of snow outside. We've been keeping ourselves busy by playing Bioshock 2 and I've fallen in love with Tumblr. I know I resisted at first but I gave in.

I'm still in my moody funk. I guess everyone has their days. Trying to cheer up! I have a snuggly cat on the bed and that helps.

Mermaid in a Manhole on Tumblr!

2010-02-10T20:25:00.003-05:00

Follow me and I'll probably follow you. Pretty soon you won't be able to go anywhere on the internet without running into me.

Mermaid in a Manhole @ Tumblr!

Also, please suggest your favorite Tumblr blogs.

Dear Mermaid, Is He Emotionally Cheating?

2010-02-10T14:29:00.007-05:00

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Dear Mermaid,

I'm sixteen years old and I've been with my boyfriend for five months. It may not seem like a long time and that I'm too young for love but we've both liked each other for a very long time previously before we started going out.

The thing is, one of my close friends has recently gotten very involved with him; they got closer over the summer and at one point she admitted having feelings for him. They talk to each other constantly and I feel as if she is encouraging him to be with her instead of me. I know the emails they send to each other and how flirty they are, telling each other they love each other and how they can't wait to see one another. It breaks my heart, but I know that I'm his girlfriend and that he likes me - he just seems to prefers her company.

What's worse is that she's my friend and encourages his affections. I've spoken to him about it and nothing's changed. It's gotten to the point where I've worried so much about it that I've gotten bored of worrying... nonetheless, it eats at me.

Am I just being paranoid, or should I do something? Is she even a friend now? I don't really know what to do anymore. Thank you for taking the time to read and listen.

Ouch! I don't think you're just being paranoid. This sounds serious and totally inappropriate when it comes to a relationship.

I don't think you're too young for love and I wouldn't talk down to you because of your age, don't you worry. ♥ I met my current boyfriend when I was fifteen.

It sounds like he is in fact emotionally cheating. I wouldn't feel comfortable if my boyfriend did this with one of my close female friends and it sounds like a betrayal on your friend's part too. This whole situation makes me feel uncomfortable just thinking about it.

I think it's time to speak to them both. I know you said you've spoken to him and that nothing's changed but that's a huge problem. The right guy for you will care about your feelings and would never want you to feel this way. Spell it out for both of them. This is totally inappropriate behavior on both of their parts and let them know. If they refuse to stop then it's time to separate yourself from them. Your friend and your boyfriend should never make you feel like this.

The huge warning flag for me is that your friend has said to have feelings for him in the past. It seems like those feelings haven't changed and if anything they've grown and this is her way of expressing them without flat out trying to break you guys up. That's not okay! Your friend should respect your relationship. You wouldn't go after her boyfriend if she had one would you?

Is she still a friend? Hm. I think that's up to you to decide but putting myself in your shoes I don't think she's a very good one. I don't know your history but I can't imagine any of my friends pulling this on me.

Make your feelings known and if they're not respected, you need to find people who do respect them. Don't settle for less than you deserve!

I hope this helps. Best of luck to you.

Let Go

2010-02-09T21:07:00.002-05:00

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Let go of some hate. Let go of some anger. Make amends if you have to, move passed it if you don't.

I've seen so much frustration and pent up anger cause anxiety for so many people lately and it comes out in all the wrong places which only aggravates the situation.

Do what it takes to heal your heart and move forward with your life. Forgive. It doesn't have to mean forgetting. Learn a lesson and free yourself.

Picture what it would take to get rid of some stress in your life. Map some steps out in your mind and follow through with them. You may have to be brave and you may have to be bold. You'll feel better, I promise.

So When The Birds Fly South

2010-02-08T18:55:00.003-05:00

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"So when the birds fly south we'll reach up and hold their tails. Pull up and out of here and bridle the autumn gales. I give you my hand, the fingers unfold to have and forever hold. To marry the untold blisses and anchor this lost soul."

Patrick Wolf

Snow Storm!

2010-02-07T13:37:00.007-05:00

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Where I live just had an epic snow storm. I spent from 4:00am Saturday morning to 1:00pm today with no power. We finally have it again, thankfully. My house just got down to 47℉ and luckily the heater is back along with the power. It's pretty amazing how much we rely on electricity these days.

We still can't actually go anywhere. The street hasn't been plowed and we got about 2 feet of snow.

It's been a pretty terrible week overall and I've been pretty down. An overwhelming amount of negative and stressful things have been happening. I am going to try to turn it around now. Bring on the positivity and happiness, please.

Oh, yesterday we played Disney Monopoly by candlelight and I dominated everyone with my Alice in Wonderland piece.

Person of Interest: Polly Scattergood

2010-02-05T23:46:00.004-05:00

Lately I've been listening to a girl called Polly Scattergood and I quite like her. Maybe you will too.

"Polly Scattergood is a singer songwriter from Essex, England. She has been described as ethereal, dark, intense and quirky. While her musical style has been described as 'early 21st century electro dance pop of London proper." - ♥

Her style reminds me a bit of Patrick Wolf and I don't think I need to remind you how much I love him (favorite forever) which means of course I think on the similarities favorably. Her voice is very sweet and her lyrics are very dark at times. I feel like I'd have a lot in common with her if we sat down and had tea together.

Polly Scattergood - Other Too Endless from Mute Records on Vimeo.

Polly Scattergood - Please Don't Touch from Mute Records on Vimeo.

Be Kind

2010-02-05T16:34:00.002-05:00

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"Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle."

Plato

Photo of the Day February 4th, 2009

2010-02-04T19:32:00.002-05:00

Today I went out with my mom. She was gone for a couple weeks because my sister had a baby in South Carolina which is where I will be going very soon. We went to the craft store so I could finish getting stuff to make my teacup candles. Yesterday I scored a bunch of mismatched teacups at the Salvation Army for 1$ each. They're really pretty and I'm excited. I bought wax, wicks, and sugar cookie scent.

We're supposed to get a lot of snow so I won't be leaving the house for a few days. Good time for crafting! I can't wait for summer. Something about summer nights in Virginia when the fireflies are sparking in my backyard seems really magical. It makes me feel just a little more at home here.

Don't Live in Denial

2010-02-04T13:15:00.004-05:00

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Are you one of those people who claims to be perfectly happy but is deep down miserable inside? If not, surely you know people who are just that.

Why is it so easy for people to lie to themselves in that regard? I think it's because they think it's easier than going out and doing what actually makes them happy. I know so many people like this and I often just present them with the question "What do you think will make you happy?" As you can imagine I get all kinds of answers, but often the person does not go after what would make them happy even after our discussion.

Don't let this be you. Don't live in denial. Contemplate what would make you happy. Think about the steps it would take to get there and start yourself on the path to happiness.

The pursuit of happiness can be very tricky and it can take longer than you'd think. Sometimes it's not in the places you think you'd find it; sometimes it shows up out of nowhere and spoils all your planning.

The other day I was telling a friend "It's your life. As far as we know you only get one. Live it." It truly baffles me how many people let life pass them by and let joy slip under the cracks. Don't wait to see whether or not your life will accommodate your desires, make them a reality for yourself.

Don't let people stop you. Don't let inconvenience stop you. Most importantly don't let yourself stand in the way of your own dreams. Don't say no to life. Don't give up.

Love & Loathe, February 3rd 2010

2010-02-03T15:28:00.005-05:00

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LOVE:

♥ No More Heroes 2. Adore.

♥ My cat when he's super grumpy. He's fun to mess with.

♥ Replaying the first Silent Hill. Nerd alert.

♥ Long conversations with good friends.

♥ The anticipation of two of my closest friends coming to visit for a week! Oh my goodnessss. Jenny & Matt I can't wait!

♥ Glittery nail polish.

♥ Alice in Wonderland merchandise.

♥ Really sweet emails.

♥ Tea. I wish I had more close friends around here so I could have tea parties.

♥ Formspring. Ask me something!

♥ Really sweet text messages.

♥ Guacamole. I have to cut myself off but it's so addicting.

♥ The anticipation of Bioshock 2. Oh my.

♥ Red lipstick.

♥ Getting woken up to Alice super snuggling me. Beagle love.

♥ Good conversations with good people.

♥ Ommwriter. I know I've mentioned this a million times but if you have a mac (apple crew for life) get it. It's free and wonderful.

♥ The Muffin Map! I can't believe how many of you come from all over the world!

♥ Plotting surprise packages to send to friends.

♥ The Mighty Boosh. Love love love love love. Current favorite show.

♥ Lily Cole.

♥ My boyfriend and all the nice things he does.

♥ Fascinators. I think I just might make some. Perhaps even relaunch my etsy store.

♥ Really beautiful handwriting. I think I'm going to practice.

♥ Positive people who are incredibly inspiring.

♥ Watching two star horror movies with my mom and substituting my own dialogue.

♥ Feeling immensely better after my three week alcohol ban. Drinking too often is just terrible. Don't do it. During this personal prohibition I made it a point to eat right, exercise, and drink tons of tea & water. I lost 9 pounds and my skin is super clear. Did you know that alcohol inhibits weight loss?

LOATHE:

♣ The snow! I don't like it. We're going to have up to two feet by Friday! ;(

♣ Grumpiness.

♣ Really sad news concerning really lovely people.

♣ Getting stir crazy. My car doesn't do so well in the snow.

♣ Negativity.

Your turn! What do you love and loathe this week?

Photo of the Day February 2nd, 2010

2010-02-02T21:30:00.002-05:00

"Stop searching forever, happiness is just next to you."

The best advice I've ever gotten from a cookie.

Dear Mermaid, Am I Too Far Gone to Be Successful?

2010-02-02T18:08:00.007-05:00

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Long time reader, first time caller (wait, first time emailer?) I love the blog. I know you get a lot of questions about college, but I hope you find time to answer mine. I've been an on and off student since the fall of 2005. My parents forced me to apply to a big in-state university despite my protests that it wasn't a good fit for me and I wanted to possibly go to a smaller college out of state. Well to add insult to injury I didn't get in to the college I applied to, but rather I got in to an off campus satellite program at a local community college. I would technically be a student of the university, but attend classes at the community college.

Let me get in to a little background information. I graduated from a small town high school at the top 15% of my class. I had honors every year except one in middle school, held offices in drama and the environmentalist clubs, chose a challenging and varied schedule, had two fantastic recommendations, and dreamed of going to Yale and becoming a writer since I was seven.

I was devastated that a college who wasn't very competitive as far as getting in goes would reject me. I appealed the decision and was rejected again. Eventually I decided any education was better than none and just accepted this was going to be the way things were going to be. When I got to the school I wasn't able to choose my classes. I was put on a "track" depending on what my major was. When I told my adviser that I wanted to be a writer and graduate with an English major she told me I should consider something more useful like a nurse!

I got through the first year okay. My teachers didn't really seem to care about their jobs, were inconsistent with their expectations, and the atmosphere was very much like high school part 2. I became very depressed soon after. I fell back into the comforts of an eating disorder, self harm, cut classes constantly, and even experimented with some drugs and other reckless behavior. I had no one to tell me I could get through this, just that I needed to "suck it up and deal." I was alone. My friends were scattered all over the country, and I didn't find anyone with a like mind at school. I ended up being kicked out of school in my second year.

Fast forward a year later and I managed to fight my way back in to the school. This time I was on the main campus with my choice of classes and what I hoped to be a fresh start. The moment I stepped on campus I felt hopelessly lost and anxious. This place was just too big and one of the top party schools in the country. I felt that old lingering feeling that this was not the place for me. I never found one of my classes despite asking around. No one seemed to know what I was talking about. The other I managed to find, but the first day was a group project and after the embarrassment of not having anyone willing to group with me and my social anxiety sent into overdrive, I never showed my face in class again. I was kicked out again.

I tried to get in to a smaller college who said they were willing to hear my case and peruse my transcripts, but they rejected me and never returned my calls to schedule an appointment with the admissions committee. The community colleges here don't have liberal arts degrees, and I've completely run out of options for schools in my tiny tiny state! I know you don't need a college degree to be successful, but this is something I feel I need to do in order to love myself. I'm currently having to pay for school myself, but my question is: Can I recover or am I too far gone? Was I just acting like a selfish brat?

Okay, love I think deep down you know what I'm going to say. Of course you're not too far gone! My mom went back to school when she was 50! You're never too far gone. Never never give up. I don't think you were acting like a selfish brat. I can totally relate to you.

So many of my readers aspire to be writers! High five, you guys. I love that.

Can I first say that success is relative? Everyone has a different definition of it in their own minds. While there seems to be a common vision of what "success" means, you're successful when you feel you are not when anyone else tells you you've made it.

I really want to address this more specifically: "I know you don't need a college degree to be successful, but this is something I feel I need to do in order to love myself." Self love doesn't come from accomplishments. It's about who you are, not what you've done. Until you can love yourself for who you are deep down no amount of accomplishments will fill that void. It sounds like this is something you should be focusing on. Can I suggest these articles? Learning to Love You, 11 Ways to Analyze Yourself, & Boosting Your Self Confidence.

"When I told my adviser that I wanted to be a writer and graduate with an English major she told me I should consider something more useful like a nurse!" Oh jeez! You know the other night I had my own father telling me I should do something more important with my brain like be a lawyer? I can't even count how many times I've heard something similar from other people.

"What do you do?"
"I'm a writer."
"Okay, but what do you do?" Oh shush!

My grandma told me I should write a book on being successful despite how unsupportive and negative people can be about doing what you love. Great idea.

Let me tell you about my personal education dilemma. When I lived back in CA I had things all set up for me. I hadn't planned on going to a 4 year college. I honestly never planned on that, but I had a number of really awesome community colleges I had the option of going to. I even took classes at one of them and loved it there. I was so excited for college and I could wait to begin.

Well, then we moved. My dad assured me that the community colleges here would be just as good and I signed up for one. I only took two psychology classes because it cost an arm and a leg since I was still an "out of state" student. I never liked the school at all. My psychology teacher was amazing but the school administration was incredibly rude to me. Once I set up an appointment a counselor and he literally said to me "Yeah I really don't know what we have to offer you here. I'm honestly not too sure about this school..."

As I was leaving I witnessed another counselor yelling at this poor Korean girl who was just visiting the school to see if she wanted to attend saying "What?! You can't even come on capus with out applying to see if we will accept you first! We have nothing for you here! Go back to your country!" You can imagine my horror.

I paid over 20$ in 1$ parking fees for all the times I went to go get my in state tuition rates and had them tell me "Uh, did someone tell you this was all you needed? NO. You need three more forms." seemingly no matter how many forms I brought in. Imagine the rudest and most brain dead people you can think of. My mom was even disgusted when she attempted to help.

After a while I just refused to go back and try anymore. I didn't sign up for classes. My dad told me I could get the same education anywhere and that I just needed to "suck it up" and go to school since I'm doing "nothing with my life" right now. Can I also note that one of the campuses of the aforementioned school had a shooting a couple months ago? Really.

My only other options are going to another campus under the same school. I don't want to. My dad may think it's the wrong decision and I might seem "spoiled" but I'm going with my gut on this one.

What did I do? I decided I'm moving back to CA to go to the school of my choice. In the meantime I'll do what I do best--write. I may "suck it up" and take a couple classes but I'm not going to make anything long term out of it.

When you mentioned that you parents forced you to do something I imagined that they had to be paying for your school. Since you are I say do whatever your little heart desires. I know exactly what it feels like to just "not fit" somewhere. At the same time I know a lot of people who adore their schools and love waking up everyday to attend. That can be us, darling.

Find yourself a place you want to go to school. Save up the money and go there. Do whatever makes you happy in the meantime. Live your life without regrets. It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks. Do what you want to do. Go where you want to go. Find a place where you fit.

I wish you the very best of luck. You seem like a sharp gal and you can do it, I promise. You can get through this and break through to a life where you love yourself and you love the things that you surround yourself with.

I Wish the World was Flat Like the Old Days

2010-02-02T00:57:00.002-05:00

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"I wish the world was flat like the old days
Then I could travel just by folding a map
No more airplanes, or speedtrains, or freeways
There'd be no distance that can hold us back."

- Death Cab for Cutie

Photo of the Day February 1st, 2010

2010-02-02T00:11:00.007-05:00

Today Wesley had the day off. We went shopping because all of his jeans are ripped in inappropriate places.

He bought me the hat I'm wearing in the photo. It has pretty purple hearts on the back. I bought him a stripey sweater, for me a pretty blue slip dress that reminds me of Alice in Wonderland and a shirt that has an Alice looking girl organizing a huge pile of books. I also bought a band shirt for my friend Caroline ♥ which seems Alice in Wonderland esque to me and some Red Queen lip gloss. Obsession? I think so.

We rarely ever go shopping so it was nice. I also don't own any hats but I like this one.

We then stopped at a friend's house for some good intellectual conversation.

My wonderful friend Jenny bought me the red lipstick I've been wearing so often lately. I mentioned having dreams about buying it in the past. MAC's Russian Red. I highly recommend it.

Mermaid's Guide to Prom Dresses

2010-02-01T12:16:00.007-05:00

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Now, I never went to my prom. I did go to a winter formal, but if you haven't heard this story already: I had a miserable year my first year of high school. My second year I switched to and independent study program which was pretty much all homework barely any school.

Regardless, I was asked once last year about prom dresses and now again this year. So, what I'm going to do for you is basically tell you what I would go for if I were choosing a prom dress.

My winter formal dress was a cheapy. I still have it and I wore it recently and posted about it. You do not have to shell out loads of cash to look fabulous.

When I was asked about dresses the first time I responded via Facebook. The girl found her dress at The Goodwill, I believe, which is a great place to look. In fact my first suggestion to you would to be check out your local thrift stores before you go anywhere else. I buy a lot of my clothes from second hand shops and I constantly get compliments.

My second suggestion would be to search Etsy for "Prom Dress." Search both handmade and vintage. You'll come across some amazing and unique stuff.

Guidelines:

♥ Pick a color that's flattering on you. Check out Gala's Fashion Help for Recovering Goths. It's not just for recovering goths.

♥ Find a style that hides anything you're uncomfortable with. You don't want to be miserable the entire night. Don't go for anything too revealing or that accentuates an area you don't want accentuated.

♥ If you can't walk in heels, PLEASE don't use this as an opportunity to try. Nothing can ruin your night like extreme foot pain. There are so many lovely options for flats and wedges now. Use that to your advantage.

♥ Work with accessories. If I were going to a prom I'd rock a fascinator.

♥ Go for a look. Be a princess for a night or maybe go for a vintage vixen kind of style.

♥ If you plan on dancing don't bring a clutch. They're such a pain and you want to have free arms. They might have a place for you to check your stuff but a girl has to keep some things on her.

♥ Consider a shawl. It might be cold.

♥ If you buy second hand, you can have a tailor fit it to you perfectly if it's too big in some areas.

♥ Don't have too many expectations for the night. It might not be how it is in the movies, but enjoy the company you're with regardless.

Handpicked favorites: ♥/♥/♥/♥/♥/♥/♥/♥

Obviously if I went to a prom today I'd wanna look like a cute cupcake from the 50s.

Good luck!

Dear Mermaid, I'm Not Sure Where to Go

2010-01-31T19:37:00.005-05:00

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First I want to say how I adore your blog! My story is quite a complicated one and I hope I don't ramble on too much!

At the start of 2009, my grandma passed away. She was my best friend and it was very hard to deal with. Just two weeks later, my aunt also passed away. I also lost two more relatives during the course of the year. I lost a lot of friendships, became very distant, and my grades at college slipped greatly. In August I failed my main exams. I decided to retake them but eventually dropped out around November.

Since then I've been diagnosed with severe depression, which is a struggle to deal with. There's been days that I've simply lacked motivation and felt down but there's also been days that I've hallucinated and been almost hysterical.

I'm trying to look to the future and sort myself out, but I'm not entirely sure what to do. I don't know whether to re-enroll in school or not. I know I want to be a writer, but don't I need to have qualifications first?

I feel like I want to start fresh but I'm not sure how to do that. I just don't know what to do, and feel a huge pressure to make some decisions soon. I'm definitely not happy to sit around at home all the time. I just feel so stressed and overwhelmed with everything and any advice would be greatly appreciated!

- Kat.

First of all, thank you very much I'm glad you enjoy Mermaid in a Manhole!

Oh my you seem to have gone through a lot recently. When anyone tells me they've been through something really traumatic I always recommend these two articles I've already covered on the subject: How to Pick Yourself Up Off the Floor & Dear Mermaid, I'm Depressed. I definitely recommend trying to find yourself a good therapist to talk to and give yourself plenty of time to mourn and get over such traumatic events.

As far as writing qualifications go it totally depends on what kind of writing you want to do. I would say check out the writing programs your school offers. Writing artistically and publishing books doesn't necessarily require a degree, but I think the key to being a good writer is to be constantly learning and educating yourself. If you have the money and the opportunity to get a good education you should never turn it down. A formal education can only help you.

No matter what writing you decide to do, you should definitely have the bare bones English (or other language equivalent) education under your belt. Be sure you know the ins and outs of grammar and I suggest reading constantly and practice as often as you can.

I say get out and go do something that makes you feel happy. Start a writing project and think about school when you're feeling stable enough that you think you could pass your classes. Don't rush yourself. Give yourself plenty of time to heal.

This might help you out too: How to Change Your Perception. Positive thinking & perception do wonders for people who suffer with depression, including me and many readers of this blog!

Never give up on being happy and going after your dreams.

Why Don't You...January 31st, 2010

2010-01-31T14:13:00.004-05:00

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My my, January is already over. I'm crossing my fingers that March will be warm and that I only have one more month of frigid Virginia winter to deal with.

♥ upgrade your stripey knee high socks to thigh highs? I love these.

♥ peruse etsy for vintage slips and garter belts?

♥ buy some colorful ballpoint quill pens to write all your letters with? So pretty.

♥ take inventory of everything in your wardrobe and try to come up with fresh ways to wear old clothes? I do this all the time and I have to say I rarely wear the exact same outfit twice and I don't go shopping very often.

♥ stock up on old mismatched teacups from The Salvation Army, Goodwill, or other thrift store? You could have a mismatched tea set or you could make teacup candles.

♥ go through the clothes you don't wear anymore and see if you can reconstruct them into things you will wear?

♥ start your day off with a cup of tea? I can't imagine not doing this. I'm a self professed tea addict.

♥ mix your teas together? I've been doing this lately. My favorite combination is white jasmine tea with some oolong thrown in the mix. Not every combination will wonderful but it's fun to try new things.

♥ throw a couple coats of cheapy nail glitter over your polish? It even makes black look cheery.

♥ make a dollar store trip? Or a dollar store shopping spree? I've found so many amazing things. My favorite teacup is a Powerpuff Girls mug I got at a Dollar Tree. Bring friends so you can laugh at all the oddities you find & should you consume anything please check dates.

♥ plan a visit with a friend who lives far away? Even if it's months away looking forward to it keeps the horizons bright.

♥ get creative with your eye makeup? I used to take this to extremes and then I went the super boring beige, brown, and black route. Lately I've been getting more into colors again and I forgot just how fun it can be.

♥ get a sprinkle doughnut? Just one. Take a photo of it. They're pretty. Then savor it.

♥ do 100 jumping jacks whenever you can? It's a simple, quick, cardio exercise that has endless benefits. You'll even forget you did it and thank yourself later.

♥ send a friend a surprise gift box? It doesn't matter what's in it as much as the thought behind it. Your dollar & thrift store trips can yield wonderful gift finds. Even mix CDs and candy are great ideas.

♥ remember those great slips you found on etsy? Buy them in white and get some fabric dye in bright colors. You know what to do from here.

♥ send everyone you know and love a quick email or text message asking how they are?

♥ make like Cleopatra and bathe in scented oils? Just try not to get them on your face.

♥ change your hair? Drastically. Do what you've always wanted to do with it.

♥ think about how your room comes across to you? Clean it up, organize it, and decorate it. Make it the place you want to come home to. Stock up on candles and incense. Check out quirky thrift store nick nacks and wall art.

♥ plan a huge get together with all of your friends with nothing on the agenda at all? The point of this is conversation between contrasting personalities and learning new things about the people you already adore.

♥ organize positive letters and emails into a box you can look at when you're feeling down? I've gotten some great ones from you guys that I plan on doing this with.

♥ take a minute to think of everything that you're thankful for before you go to bed? It's a good way to drift off.

Phew! It's been a while since I've done one of these. I hope this tides you over for a while.

Mermaid in a Manhole on Facebook!

2010-01-30T15:55:00.002-05:00

As per request Mermaid in a Manhole now has a fan page on Facebook.

Mermaid in a Manhole on Facebook

Six Impossible Things

2010-01-30T15:06:00.003-05:00

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"Sometimes I've believed as many as six impossible things before breakfast."

Lewis Carroll

Formspring

2010-01-29T01:02:00.003-05:00

&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;lt;a href="http://www.formspring.me/manholemermaid"&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;gt;http://www.formspring.me/manholemermaid&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;lt;/a&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;gt;

Nothing too creepy.

Top 5 Wishlist of the Week - Alice in Wonderland Edition

2010-01-28T12:16:00.003-05:00

I know we have quite a while before the movie's out but I think any time is a good time to celebrate Alice in Wonderland. A lot of companies have been gearing up for the movie release and have been producing lovely Alice merchandise.

♥ OPI's Alice in Wonderland Collection Nail Polishes in Absolutely Alice and Mad as a Hatter.

♥ Urban Outfitters Kimchi Blue Chiffon Lady Dress in Cloak Blue. Is it not the perfect Alice inspired dress? I think so. I'm so tempted to buy it. I almost did last night I stopped myself. (Heyyy boyfriend: Valentine's day is just around the corner and I wear a medium. ;])

♥ Alice in Wonderland Tunic by nowonder. Take a look around their shop, they have lots of other lovely Alice inspired things.

♥ Black Phoenix Alchemy Lab's Mad Tea Party Collection. I have a few samples of these and they are lovely.

♥ Alice in Wonderland Tee from Forever 21 & I know this is cheating (shh don't tell anyone) since this is number six (technically seven and I could have given you more) but also this bangle from F21.

Perhaps a part two will be coming soon. There are so many wonderful Alice things out there. It's a story that's wonderfully recreated time and time again.

Happy Birthday Mermaid in a Manhole!

2010-01-28T01:12:00.003-05:00

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I'm actually two (technically three) days late on this one, but Mermaid in a Manhole is one year old!

I hope to have brought a lot of light and positivity to everyone who reads this and here's to many more blog birthdays!

Photo of the Day January 27th, 2009

2010-01-27T21:43:00.002-05:00

Since I'm terrible about doing outfit photos I'll try to post more like these. I had some requests for more photos of me.

My style is constantly changing. I always look different.

Live for Yourself

2010-01-26T15:18:00.005-05:00

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Stop allowing other people to influence your life in a negative way. Live for yourself. The people that belong in your life will admire this and do the same.

When people treat you badly and infuse your life with stress and negativity they don't belong in it. Find other people who compliment you, not take from you.

Don't settle for less than you deserve. Even if it means being lonely for a little while.

Do what it takes to make yourself happy for that is the secret to a fulfilling life.

The Asylum for Wayward Victorian Girls by Emilie Autumn Review

2010-01-24T15:29:00.008-05:00

Last night I was up until almost 6am completely enthralled in Emilie Autumn's The Asylum for Wayward Victorian Girls. I've been reading into the very early morning a lot lately. A bad sleep schedule and a great book is enough to keep you from sleeping for a long time.

First of all, I am a big fan of Emilie Autumn. I love her music and I adore her character. She's lovely and we have endless amounts in common. She announced years ago that she would be putting out a book. A lot of us fans waited patiently for its release and now it's finally here.

I had to reach deeper into my pockets than I'd initially expected for this one, but since there is no publishing house name printed anywhere on the book, it's safe to assume she self published. Considering that it is full color and filled with illustrations and other lovely artistic adornments encased in a gorgeous hard cover I imagine it cost a lot to produce and I have no qualms about giving this very deserving artist my money. Especially for something so beautiful in exchange.

The book is a combination of an autobiography focusing on her mental illness and hospitalization and a fictional story of a young woman (Emily with a y) and her terrible story of being sold by her family and eventually ending up in a horrifyingly cruel and murderous asylum.

It is very raw and graphic. She tells all in this book about her own hospital conditions and that of the Victorian asylum. She includes diaries about medication, suicide, and cutting as well as graphic depictions of the inhumane Victorian medical practices. I would almost classify it as a horror novel. Some of the scenes are terrifying and picturing the Victorian asylum is fear inducing. As brutal as it gets, it is even more tragically beautiful.

Emilie Autumn is a brilliant author. I had assumed her book would be great but I was surprised at exactly how talented she is. Her writing is so beautifully colorful and expressive. She makes it easy to imagine every scenario she presents us with, even as unusual as they get sometimes. I would like to live in her mind for a while to see what it's like and this book is the closest one could ever get.

Upon finishing it, I initially wanted more. I had to think it over for a bit as I was feeling a little unsatisfied, but after sleeping on it I think she ended it well. The more I think back on it the more I like it.

I would definitely recommend it and I'd say it's making its way onto my list of favorites. I don't think it's for everyone, but I personally enjoyed it more that I can tell you. If your mind is entertained by darkness and brutality effortlessly mixed in with intoxicating beauty I would most certainly suggest you read it. It is also comforting to read her experiences with mental illness as I can relate so well. She gets deep into her symptoms and feelings, not holding anything back.

It's a book I'm proud to have sitting on my shelves and it is a must have if you are already a fan of this lovely lady. I can tell she put a big part of herself into it which is truly a gift. Her brutal honesty is brave and inspiring. I really hope this is not her last book, for I am anxiously awaiting the announcement of more publications in the future. It is more than a book, it is a piece of art is many different ways and I will cherish it for as long as I have it in my possession.

House of Leaves Book Review

2010-01-23T14:21:00.004-05:00

I finished reading House of Leaves last night but I decided that since it is a horror novel, I'd go ahead and review it on Baby Loves Zombies. I neglect that poor blog far too often.

(House of Leaves Book Review Here)

Lush Links - January 22, 2010

2010-01-22T14:53:00.004-05:00

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I decided to finally do a link roundup segment. I run across tons of stuff on the internet which I'm constantly sending to friends but really I could just put them all here.

They may not always be brand new but they'll be whatever I think is relevant at the time.

♦ Ariel Grimm needs help paying for hip surgery for her precious kitty. Donations are so very appreciated. Ariel's a 100% certified sweetheart.

♦ What Does China Censor Online? So incredibly interesting and surprising.

♦ Japan Has Pretty Manholes. For mermaids to live in, of course. Check out the squid one!

♦ Nic Cage As Everyone. I found this through the above link. You probably noticed it too. I tweeted about it and facebook'd it. It's no secret that Nic Cage is one of my least favorite actors ever. I really dislike him. He, Kevin Bacon, and Tom Cruise. Sorry, I hate them. This blog, however is hilarious and I love it.

♦ Lobster cat!

♦ If you've never been, prepared to spend a couple hours on Engrish.com. I feel like everyone already knows about this one but when I've mentioned it to friends recently they had no idea what I was talking about. Get informed. I have laughed so hard I've cried during visits.

♦ The Most Beautiful Smith in the World.

♦ Wisdom Bits.

♦ It Made My Day. Way more positive than MLIA or FML. I also just discovered My Life is Nerdy which I love.

♦ The Stoakes-Whibley Natural Index of Supernatural Collective Nouns.

♦ DIY Matchbooks by Papermade.

♦ How to Tell If Your Boyfriend Is the Antichrist: And If He Is, Should You Break Up with Him?

♦ Letter Fu.

♦ Maggie Taylor has beautiful art. As does Natasha Lawes.

♦ Soon!

♦ The Book Seer. For when you just finish reading a great book and wonder what to read next.

♦ The Tiny Art Director's book is almost out! And you can pre order it.

♦ Christopher Walken - What I've Learned.

♦ Stereotyping People by Their Favorite Author. Terrible, but funny.

♦ Letters to Crushes.

Book Review - Still Life With Woodpecker by Tom Robbins

2010-01-21T14:32:00.002-05:00

I've already finished a book off my massive list! A couple of you suggested that I review the books when I'm finished, which I thought was a great idea.

Recently, I met a girl who works next door to my boyfriend's work. We've hung out a few times and one time when I saw her she brought me a book. I had told her that I love books, that I have a massive pile of reading material, and that I want to be an author someday. The book she brought was Still Life With Woodpecker. She had checked it out from the library, so I figured I'd read it quickly and return it to her.

"Still Life With Woodpecker is sort of a love story that takes place inside a pack of Camel cigarettes. It reveals the purpose of the moon, explains the difference between criminals and outlaws, examines the conflict between social activism and romantic individualism, and paints a portrait of contemporary society that includes powerful Arabs, exiled royalty, and pregnant cheerleaders. It also deals with the problem of redheads." - back of the book jacket.

I was up very late last night finishing it because I was so drawn in that I just couldn't put it down. I had to know how it ended. It is a love story, which honestly I'm not used to reading but it's definitely not your typical love story. It's between two very unlikely people to fall in love and it starts in an odd fashion and ends in the same manner.

Tom Robbins is very clever. That's extremely apparent throughout the course of his book. Both clever, and wise while making commentary on everything from how to make love stay to how to make explosives out of fruit loops. His style sort of reminds me of Chuck Palahniuk, if Chuck was happier, which is exactly what I wanted to read.

The romance is between an outlaw and a princess, which almost sounds typical but it somehow becomes incredibly original. He initially makes the outlaw seem creepy and unappealing but soon after makes him so charming and important to the story that you can't wait for him to return and are constantly wondering when he will.

It's a story unlike I've ever read before and I would definitely recommend it. It was a really quick read for me, so it's worth taking 2 days or so of free time to polish this one off. Very dark, clever, shocking at times, and somehow still very hopeful and pure.

Love & Loathe January 20th, 2010

2010-01-20T14:36:00.005-05:00

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This is my first Love & Loathe in 2010! How exciting.

LOVE:

♥ Reading tons of books and working on writing my own.

♥ Hanging out with good friends. I've been extremely social lately.

♥ Wesley being back home! I missed him.

♥ Candles & incense! I've become addicted. They're so nice to have while you're reading a million books. I'm running out and I need to find a cheap place to buy them.

♥ Watching Inglourious Basterds with my mom and watching her reactions.

♥ Mini kitties!

♥ Tea. I actually took a bit of a break from tea for a while. It wasn't planned, it just didn't happen. Now I'm drinking large quantities of it again and realizing how much I missed it.

♥ Reading through old writing folders of mine and realizing how much I have improved and how much happier I am now.

♥ The Lovely Bones. No, I have not read the book yet. It's on my list. Yes, I did have a million people tell me to READ THE BOOK! I shall. I shall.

♥ Being excited for Patrick Wolf's new album - The Conqueror. Oh I can't wait! ♥ P.W. Forever!

♥ Being excited for my one year blogiversary. It's on the 26th. I was wondering if I should do something special, but nothing outstanding comes to mind.

♥ Having long red hair again. It's taken so long to grow out but it's finally long.

♥ Beagle snuggle time. I always love this but since it's cold Alice has been very cuddly. I love it.

♥ Having my 4 year anniversary with my boyfriend. Heading towards 5 now.

♥ The Mighty Boosh. ♥ Vince Noir forever.

♥ Magically creating new outfits out of stuff you already have.

♥ Spending quality alone time. I love being with Wesley but I always grow and change a little when I'm left alone for a while.

LOATHE:

♣ I have the rest of my Forever 21 gift card and I found the most perfect thing to spend it on, however when I put it in my cart and actually got ready to buy it it was sold out! Farewell perfect Alice tunic.

♣ When people don't get creative with their blogs and use features and segments from other bloggers. Not just mine, of course. I see this everywhere all the time. It's not a big deal, I just won't read a blog that does it. So very boring. What's the point if it's already been done? A blog bursting with creativity is hard to find these days. Inspiration is one thing, copy cats are another. There's also a difference between taking a basic idea and mimicking everything perfectly. Come on ladies, let's see what you can think of!

♣ Not having the motivation to exercise or attempt to tune my violin again. Someone come do it for me and show me how.

♣ Watching people in really dysfunctional relationships get hurt all the time.

♣ Missing a great new friendship because of distance.

♣ Missing Southern California. Like mad.

♣ My opposite sides competing. One side likes everything clean. The other side repeatedly messes things up. I'm at war with myself!

♣ Organizing my mini library and finding that I'm missing a lot of my favorites.

So, muffins what do you love & loathe this week?

Dear Mermaid, I Have Low Self Esteem

2010-01-19T16:39:00.003-05:00

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I really need some advice. I have been struggling my entire life to have any self esteem. I just plain feel ugly. I hate what I see in the mirror. I also struggle with self injury issues. I just need help figuring out how to see any good or beauty in myself.

Maybe you have some thoughts on this subject? I can't seem to figure this out.

I previously wrote this article on boosting your self confidence, but I think this is a good opportunity to add on to it.

I can completely relate. I have had body issues almost my entire life. I've just recently started getting to the point where I accept myself. My number one issue has always been weight. Even at 90 pounds I wanted to lose more weight. I've battled anorexia, and while I take care of myself now I don't always like what I see in the mirror when I undress. However, it is getting better.

I think we have to love ourselves on the inside before we love ourselves on the outside. At least, that's how it's been with me. Once I started tackling all the things I didn't like about me and started doing more positive things that I was proud of, I started feeling more confident all around.

My boyfriend was such a huge help to me during this process. My parents never helped me figure out what positive body image, in fact I feel like I've been quite damaged by that. I learned more about hating myself than loving myself. I sort of had to figure it out on my own. My boyfriend, however, helped me to point out to me what he liked about me in a positive way and also was very helpful in giving nice constructive criticism about what he thought I was doing wrong as far as my behavior went.

After immersing myself in positive things that were going to help me toward my future like blogging and writing books, I magically started feeling a lot better about myself. I also cut out negative people in my life and tried my best to stop letting bad things get to me. A positive attitude changed my life.

It's important to know that nobody's perfect and while you have imperfections, that's part of what makes you unique. You also have great positives that you can accentuate. Everyone does, so focus on those. We have to learn to recognize what we like about ourselves over what we dislike. Focus on what you're good at and look for things in yourself that you find beautiful.

It's so hard to not compare yourself to others but really try not to. No one comes from the same place you do. Try to just appreciate differences, not compare.

Constantly try to challenge yourself. Try to go to bed every night a better person than you woke up. Push yourself towards your goals and desires.

Organize your life and keep all your goals and achievements out on display for yourself. I usually like to keep a notebook for this. I constantly write about the things I want to achieve and the things I have achieved. It's wonderful to cross things off your list of goals.

Try to erase your current image of you in your mind. Create and define a new one. See yourself for what you're working on and what you are already proud of, not what you aren't and what you don't have.

See also: How To Change Your Perception & Dear Mermaid, How Can I Stop Comparing Myself to Other Girls?

Mermaid's Favorite Books

2010-01-18T12:54:00.007-05:00

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Since we are on the subject of literature, I might as well post my favorite reads.

♥ Fight Club by Chuck Palahniuk
♥ Survivor by Chuck Palahniuk
♥ Invisible Monsters by Chuck Palahniuk
♥ Choke by Chuck Palahniuk
♥ Rant by Chuck Palahniuk
♥ Stranger than Fiction by Chuck Palahniuk
♥ Lullaby by Chuck Palahniuk
♥ Smoke and Mirrors by Neil Gaiman
♥ Dangerous Angels by Francesca Lia Block
♥ Jane Eyre by Charlotte Bronte
♥ Interview with the Vampire by Anne Rice
♥ The Vampire Lestat by Anne Rice
♥ The Great Gatsby by F. Scott Fitzgerald
♥ Alice in Wonderland by Lewis Carroll
♥ The Princess Bride by William Goldman
♥ Party Monster by James St. James

I used to be an obsessive Chuck fan. When I read his stuff now it's kind of a downer on my mood. He is undeniably talented. One of the best I've ever seen, I've just been more into positive stuff this past year. I haven't read his newer stuff but I've heard its quite...stale? Sad to hear. He's still probably my favorite author, though Neil Gaiman is definitely a competitor these days.

I definitely also have more that are slipping my mind right now and I'm excited to have more favorites very soon. I seem to get lucky in the books I choose. I've never read a book that I actually chose for myself that I hated. The only exception was American Psycho because while I loved it, I couldn't handle the animal abuse parts. I didn't finish it for that reason. Kill as many people as you like but leave the animals out of it! Please let me know if any of my To Read list contains graphic animal abuse.

What are your favorite books, muffins?

Mermaid's Reading List

2010-01-17T21:49:00.012-05:00

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I've been wanting to write this up for a while, but it was also requested. I love reading more than I could ever tell you. When people tell me they "don't read" or "aren't into reading" I immediately think of how much they're missing out on. Literature is a huge part of my life, which I suppose it ought to be considering I want to be an author someday.

Currently Reading:
♥ Through the Looking Glass by Lewis Carroll

To Read:

♥ Fragile Things by Neil Gaiman
♥ American Gods by Neil Gaiman
♥ Violent Cases by Neil Gaiman
♥ The Graveyard Book by Neil Gaiman
♥ Coraline by Neil Gaiman
♥ The Anasi Boys by Neil Gaiman
♥ Neverwhere by Neil Gaiman
♥ The Facts In The Case Of The Departure Of Miss Finch by Neil Gaiman
♥ Lolita by Vladimir Nabokov
♥ A Clockwork Orange by Anthony Burgess
♥ The Lovely Bones by Alice Sebold
♥ Diary by Chuck Palahniuk
♥ Clown Girl by Monica Drake
♥ Queen of the Damned by Anne Rice
♥ Good Omens: The Nice and Accurate Prophecies of Agnes Nutter, Witch by Terry Pratchett & Neil Gaiman
♥ The Virgin Suicides by Jeffrey Eugenides
♥ Prozac Nation by Elizabeth Wurtzel
♥ The Bell Jar by Sylvia Plath
♥ Revolutionary Road by Richard Yates
♥ Rosemary's Baby by Ira Levin
♥ The Stepford Wives by Ira Levin
♥ The Picture of Dorian Gray by Oscar Wilde
♥ Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil by John Berendt
♥ Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas: A Savage Journey to the Heart of the American Dream by Hunter S. Thompson
♥ The Last Unicorn by Peter S. Beagle
♥ Only Revolutions by Mark Z. Danielewski
♥ The Annotated Alice: The Definitive Edition by Lewis Carroll and Martin Gardner
♥ Lost Souls by Poppy Z. Brite
♥ One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest by Ken Kesey
♥ Hocus Pocus by Kurt Vonnegut
♥ 1984 by George Orwell
♥ The End Of Alice by A.M. Homes
♥ Geek Love by Katherine Dunn
♥ The Perks of Being a Wallflower by Stephen Chbosky
♥ In Cold Blood by Truman Capote
♥ Music for Chameleons by Truman Capote
♥ Harry Potter 5, 6, & 7 by J.K. Rowling
♥ Orlando by Virginia Woolf
♥ The Witching Hour by Anne Rice
♥ Drawing Blood by Poppy Z. Brite
♥ Exquisite Corpse by Poppy Z. Brite
♥ Liquor by Poppy Z. Brite
♥ Grotesque by Natsuo Kirino

♥ ~~Still Life With Woodpecker by Tom Robbins~~ - Finished January 21st, 2010 - Review
♥ ~~House of Leaves~~ ~~by Mark Z. Danielewski~~ Finished January 22nd, 2010 - Review
♥ ~~The Asylum for Wayward Victorian Girls by Emilie Autumn~~ Finished January 24th, 2010 - Review

There are more that I know I'm forgetting about. They'll be added as I remember. I'll also cross of the ones I have read.

Imagine all of them piled up. Book mountain. It almost makes me want to buy a digital reader, but I'm still on the fence. Do any of you own one? Should I get one?

I like very dark fiction. Did you notice? My inner goth loves to read. Suggestions are much appreciated.

Lily Cole as Valentina

2010-01-16T13:07:00.009-05:00

Last night I went to go see The Imaginarium of Dr. Parnassus. While I thought the film was so so (some of it was wonderful while other parts of it were just okay and the entire package left me less than blown away; it was really obvious that Heath Ledger didn't finish his scenes so they had to try to fix it.) I was completely entranced by Lily Cole.

I like her already. She's my favorite out of all the models I have ever seen, but she's actually a pretty good actress. She wore some of the prettiest costumes I've ever seen and was beyond beautiful.

Isn't she beautiful? I could stare at her for hours.

Dear Mermaid, How Did The Mental Health Care System Fail You?

2010-01-14T15:57:00.009-05:00

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I have been reading your blog for the past few months and you are always so honest. I noticed some comments you made about the mental health care system failing you. I am currently on track to become a counselor (probably within the next year and a half), and I am curious if you could speak more to what mental health professionals are doing wrong. I know this isn't typically a focus for blogs, but I think your insight could really help. I am reading a variety of books about all that counselors and psychologists should be doing, but I haven't heard the voice of those who are on the other side of mental health. I am going to check out the book you mentioned in your most recent post, so hopefully this will be a starting place for me, but I would love to hear more of your perspective.

Peace,

-Ashley

First of all, I want to say I'm not against counseling at all. I've had some terrible terrible therapists, but I have had a couple who really helped me more than any medication or hospital ever could.

I've come to a point in my life where I've reached a balance of self control. I'm not on medications anymore and I no longer self injure or restrict my caloric intake down to dangerously low amounts. I think I've come out a stronger person, but it's not over. It's something I will deal with for the rest of my life and to be completely honest with you I have not made peace with my body issues, though I'm getting there.

When I first started receiving treatment I went through my general practitioner. He immediately sent me to a psychiatrist and a therapist. The psychiatrist had a short meeting with me in which he barely spoke to me and mostly just listened to my mom's complaints. He prescribed me medication based on what she said. This is wrong.

The therapists I saw through my health care provider were just awful. They also had much more to say to my mother than to me and when I refused to show them my cut up arms they said "then there's probably nothing serious going on." This is wrong. I can't even comprehend why they would say such a thing. I didn't see a single one after the first appointment and they did not try to contact me to get me to come back in.

The medication was switched around a few times during my brief visits with the psychiatrist. I tried a bunch of antidepressants and sleeping pills. They made me irritable or numb. I swear one of the sleeping meds made me gain weight, so I stopped taking them. If I forgot an antidepressant, my day was so much worse than it ever could have been if I hadn't been on them at all. Miss a pill and forget the rest of your day, it's over. However, I do not speak for everyone. Medications can do wonders for some people.

Eventually, I can't remember who referred me, but I started seeing a therapist that I was paying out of pocket for. She was lovely, but we didn't entirely click. She did help me with my superficial issues but I felt like she tried to relate way too much to my teenage girl side when my problems weren't exactly just "teenage girl problems." Eventually she had a baby and went on leave. She left me with a number to call while she was gone for emergencies. It was the number of another therapist that worked in the same office. At first I didn't call him because I didn't want to see anyone I didn't know.

Things got really awful for me at this point. I was suicidal and cutting myself multiple times a day and I would go days without eating. Eventually after having a conversation with my father, I told him I couldn't stop. I didn't know how. We decided I would go to a hospital. It was a long process lasting the entire day. I went to the ER first and then took and ambulance to the hospital. Everyone reassured me that I would be fine and that I would get help.

When I got to the actual hospital I immediately felt like I had made a mistake. The place was so incredibly ominous with paint peeling off the walls, steel security doors, guards, and nurses everywhere. They took everything from me. The drawstring off my pajama pants, my shoes, my bra. They had me fill out a very insensitive and straight forward questionnaire about my "behavior" and being suicidal. I was then told to say goodbye to my father and go to a dark room and sleep in the middle of three beds between two sleeping ~~inmates~~ patients. About an hour later I came back into the hallway begging to call my dad. They gave me some medication and sent me back to bed.

In the morning was when I realized what it was really like in there. My roommates turned out to be very unstable and violent. One of them even pinning me to the wall twice screaming at me and calling me different names, none of which were my own.

None of the hospital staff spoke to me. I was just expected to go along and do what everyone else was doing. We were to "eat", sit in the common room, and wait for "group therapy." It was then that I realized that I wasn't like everyone else there. I was sad, but I wasn't hurting anyone but myself. I wasn't out of control and I wasn't a drug addict. I did not belong.

During my stay I never actually got any help or treatment. I just got medication, fruit cups & pudding, and a terrifying place to sleep. Group therapy was nonspecific and not helpful to me because as I said, I wasn't like the others.

I never felt more scared, hopeless, and suicidal in my life while I was within those walls. It's not a place you go to get help, it's a place you go to get put away. A prison, if you will. My eyes were constantly filled with tears and I could not stop shaking. Neither of these things subsided when I went home either, at least not for the first week. I would never recommend it to anyone.

Eventually after my "suicide watch" (were they even watching?) was over, my father had to threaten to sue them to let me go. When I got home I forced myself to get back to "normal", stop cutting, and eat normally. Not for me, but for fear that I would have to go back to that place. My actual illness wasn't cured, the behavior was just silenced.

Might I add that my wonderful pill providing psychiatrist never even called? He never called again. He never even knew I went to a hospital, nor did he have me come back to refill my medication. I quit cold turkey, which they told me to never do. No one at my health care provider, who I still currently use, ever asked me about my medication. It was like it never happened. No one cared at all. I could have killed myself and I don't think they would have cared. That's the worst part of all of it. No one ever really cared. My life was at stake and no one batted an eye. It was all superficial routine madness.

My actual saviors were my boyfriend at the time (Wesley - still together today), and the therapist who's number my previous one had left me. When I got back from the hospital, I began making appointments with him. I saw him multiple times a week and he helped me figure a lot of things out.

So, yes. I went for the standard mental health care treatment, which is what I was supposed to do right? Did it help me? No. Did it make me feel worse than I ever did in the first place? Yes. It terrified me into acting "normal." It was health care without the health or the care parts.

I think the worst part of it was how little they listened to me and how much they assumed. Everyone is unique and I don't see how something so serious could be toyed with in that manner.

Now, this is just my experience, but I have heard many similar tales.

If your heart is really in helping people, I think you're miles ahead of most of the people who work in that field. Everyone who tended to me seemed to hate their job and wanted to "deal" with me as quick as they could so they could move on with their miserable lives.

I think just asking this question means you care and have what it takes. I hope you go far with it.

I definitely recommend Emilie Autumn's book. It is a true tale as well as a beautiful art piece. It's pricey, but she published it herself and it is absolutely beautiful. I will cherish it as long as it is in my possession. You'll find that what she has to say is very similar to what I have, except I'd say her tale is a little worse. I think mine would have been almost identical had it not been for my family and loved ones.

Dear Mermaid, My Grandma Doesn't Respect My Faith

2010-01-13T15:25:00.004-05:00

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I have been working on my blog for almost three years. The first year, I had a vision that led me into The Forest and spent the rest of it writing down all my dreams in a physical book and searching for my medium to bring it to the world.

I experimented with different blog hosts and finally found the right one at the start of 2009 when I started getting serious about blogging and had discovered that I wanted it to be a fairytale storyblog mixed with a witch's grimoire, a book that contains spells and other magical information.

All year I toiled away writing and near the end it looked like all my hard work was finally paying off: My grandpa is a web designer and when I told him of my blog, he bought me my own domain name! However, my grandmother is a devout Jehovah's Witness and after viewing my blog firmly said that they would not tolerate any witchcraft on the website.

To top it all off, this is also how I "came out of the broom closet" to my relatives! Now, my grandparents say I can have the domain name if I come visit them, but I'm really worried about the inevitable discussion over my faith that will follow...

- Ariel Grimm of The Forest

Oh, this is a tough one. Family seems to love to make you feel nervous about your personal choices don't they?

I've dealt with this a little bit, not necessarily with just my family. My boyfriend comes from a very Christian family/environment. I am agnostic and it's made certain people in his family look down on me and not accept me for who I am without even getting to know me just because I'm not a Christian. It hurts, a lot. I feel like they should just be happy that my boyfriend found someone he loves and that he can have a healthy/happy relationship with, regardless of my personal beliefs.

The unfortunate fact of it is that not everyone is going to accept you for who you are or what you stand for. That also means sometimes that they dangle pretty things over your head to bribe you into being "normal" or like them.

I've learned to live with this judgment, as wrong as I feel it is and as much as it hurts me sometimes. You can't please everyone and I've never been one to change to become more popular. I stay true to myself.

My best advice to give you on dealing with this situation is be yourself. Don't back down, and if they don't accept your personal choices, just tell them how that feels.

Maybe if you explain how their personal judgment affects you it might change the way they feel about it. Tell them how much your faith means to you and try to dispel some of the negative misconceptions surrounding it. I think it's different than a lot of people assume.

You might find that this brings a change of heart, but if it doesn't, hold your ground. You have every right to your personal beliefs no matter what anyone says.

Love yourself for who you truly are and the ones who care the most about you will do the same.

Good luck, witchy darling!

Mermaid Loves Aromaleigh

2010-01-12T15:41:00.010-05:00

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Like I've said before, if you haven't noticed I'm pale like Snow White. I like this, it seems somewhat otherworldy and magical to me. I've always hated tanning and I work very hard during the summertime to preserve my pale pallor.

The only downside to it is that I like makeup and most makeup companies do not cater to paler skin tones. It's always made me wonder because there are definitely super pale celebrities out there and tons of pale people in the world. Why is it so hard to match my skin tone? Are we all just supposed to tan so we fit in?

I've tried many different brands from MAC to Chanel to Bare Minerals to Covergirl and if I find anything, it's usually a powder that I have to blend like crazy and doesn't offer up a lot of coverage or perhaps some liquid that doesn't work at all for my sensitive skin. The most common problem was of course the shade. Too dark, too orange, or too pink.

I literally never found a single thing that worked well for me until I discovered Aromaleigh. Their foundations are superb. The perfect weight, coverage, and shade. They stay all day but wash off with a little Cetaphil. I've never had a single issue with my acne prone skin while using it, in fact my skin seems to behave better when I wear it. I've been ordering their Glissade Mineral Foundation Powder in 00 for a little over a year now. I also dabble in their other products occasionally and I've never found anything I was less than impressed with.

Unfortunately, this time around I had ordered a few new things as a Christmas gift to myself. I restocked on my foundation, ordered some eyeshadows, and patiently waited. Apparently UPS lost my package. It was ridiculous, they claimed it was delivered but we still have no idea what happened to it.

Well, I kept in contact with Aromaleigh's creator, Kristen. She kept me updated on the claim with my package, and when we didn't find it, she sent me a whole new order (USPS this time) with some freebies thrown in. It was wonderful. Amazing communication and customer service.

What I paid for: Glissade Minderal Foundation Powder in 00 (x2), Pure Eyes Elemental Lustre in Ardent, Rocks! Sonic Eyes in Helterskelter and London Dungeon.

Extras she sent: Rocks! Sonic Lips nourishing lip tint in headoverheels, Les Papillons in Fragile Charms, Aromatherapy Lip Balm in Gingersnap, samples of Rocks! Sonic Eyes in Backinblack, Shadowplay, and Black Celebration & a sample of Aromatherapy Lip Balm in Licorice Twist

Top: headoverheels. Left to right: London Dungeon, Helterskelter, Fragile Charms, & Ardent.

Everything I bought/received is amazing. I'm particularly fond of the Ardent shade, which I wore last night and it was beautiful. I probably never would have ordered the lip tint or the lip balm and I love them both. Headoverheels is a subtle pink and Gingersnap is both refreshing and soothing. I can't wait to wear Helterskelter. It's a perfect shade of red. I've never actually had a legitimate red before.

I can't recommend their foundations enough. Paired with this brush they just go on flawlessly and blend right in perfectly. When I ran out and was waiting for my order, I picked up some drugstore makeup and it was an incredible downgrade. Nothing compares and considering that I've paid 30-70$ for foundations in the past, 16.75$ is incredibly reasonable. Not to mention all the deals & coupons Aromaleigh offers all the time.

Every order comes with free samples of your choice which contains enough product to cover your whole hand.

I love Aromaleigh and I was paid nothing for this glowing review, nor was I asked to write it. I just adore their products and after seeing, testing, and wearing some of these eye shadows I think I may have to take back what I said about being 100% faithful to MAC's pigments. Aromaleigh has so much more beautiful variety. They have any color you would ever want and they all go on smoothly and stay on as long as you want them to.

All of their colors are completely authentic and made by the creator. No repackaging or dupes.

If you're interested, I highly recommend you order some samples. Prepare to fall in love.

I'm Currently Inspired By... January 11th, 2010

2010-01-11T17:47:00.006-05:00

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♥ Emilie Autumn's The Asylum for Wayward Victorian Girls. My story is actually very parallel to hers. I haven't finished it yet, but the book is beautiful. Full color with lots of illustrations and creative tidbits here and there. I love the fact that she is speaking out against our terrible system of health care for those who are mentally ill. I couldn't agree more having personally experienced it and actually getting worse rather than better.

♥ Patrick Wolf. Always. I can honestly say that his music is the epitome of everything I adore and he has become my absolute favorite artist. He's kind of other music for me because while I still listen to and like other music nothing is ever as magnificent in my opinion.

♥ Mark Z. Danielewski's House of Leaves. Nothing anyone has said about it could prepare me for what this book is actually like. It's a horrific love story and a psychological trip through the unknown. I haven't quite finished it either, but it's the most unique piece of fiction I've ever laid eyes on. It's like a puzzle you slowly put together.

♥ Lovely Lor. Not only her blog, but just her being. We have known each other (in person) through a series of strange circumstances for years now. Not until this year did we really start connecting. We've both done a lot of changing since we first met and we're in a very similar place now. So alike, but just different enough to keep things interesting. Unfortunately we now live across the country from each other but hopefully that will all change soon. She does have a terrific blog, though. If you're not currently following it, you should.

♥ Being around people who are really unique and different in complimentary ways.

♥ My readers and all the amazing things you guys say and ask me about. I especially love the reactions after I've answered an advice question. So many of you are incredibly insightful. I try to click around to all your blogs and art projects when I get the chance and I'm so impressed by the brilliantly creative minds that I see.

♥ Ommwriter. If you have a mac and you are a writer, please download this. It's amazing, I promise. I've gotten a lot of novel work done while using it.

♥ Last.fm. My recommendations have been awesome lately.

♥ My boyfriend. He is always incredibly encouraging. More so than anyone has ever been in my life. He pushes me to strive for the best.

♥ Neil Gaiman's works. I have a bad habit of reading a lot of different books at one time. I finally finished Smoke & Mirrors last month and it blew me away. I picked up Fragile Things last week and I can't wait to start reading it when I finish House of Leaves and The Asylum for Wayward Victorian Girls. I can't even explain to you how brilliant he is. If you haven't read anything by him, please do. Life changing.

♥ Late night drunken discussions with newfound friends. This sounds silly, but I mean it. I've had so many in depth discussions about dreams, friendships, relationships, faith, aspirations, personal goals, and human behavior over the past couple weeks. I've just got to cut back on the appletinis now. It's tea for me for the rest of the week!

♥ Video games. This is a constant in my life. I've been playing Assassin's Creed 2 and my lovely boyfriend tracked me down a copy of Haunting Ground!

♥ The Mighty Boosh. If you haven't seen Old Gregg, you haven't lived.

♥ Alice in Wonderland. Aren't we all? I finally read the books and I'm so excited about all the merchandising for the new movie like this & this. I also really want a perfect blue Alice style dress.

What are you currently inspired by, muffins?

Why You Shouldn't Always Completely Accept Yourself for Who You Are

2010-01-10T13:17:00.003-05:00

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Everyone's heard it. It's like the golden rule for self respect. "Accept yourself for who you are." But, sometimes who you are isn't right. Who you could be is potentially magnificent, but who you are shouldn't always just be accepted.

I think it's time to tweak the meaning of that phrase.

Everyone has issues. A lot of times these issues spill over on other people and they affect our quality of life. We are so often our own enemies. You could just "accept yourself" for all your issues but a much better way to go is to improve upon them.

The core of you often isn't going to change, and you should accept that. Love the things you love, the things that inspire you. Love your dreams and personal desires. Love your morals and your strengths.

Don't just accept the good with the bad if it's something you can fix. Accept yourself for who you should and can rightfully be. Don't let yourself slide on a dysfunctional way of living.

Accept yourself for who you have the potential to be. If 5 years ago, I just accepted who I was and called it a day I would have continued to cause a lot of trouble for myself and others. I could still be on medication, injuring myself, and possibly still in a hospital.

That's my secret: I didn't accept myself for who I was. I changed until I respected myself and then came acceptance.

If I hadn't worked so hard to change myself for the better, a lot of things wouldn't have fallen into place with my life. If my boyfriend hadn't changed himself for the better, we wouldn't be going on 5 years together. If my sister hadn't changed herself for the better, she wouldn't be happily raising two children with a third on the way.

When you look at who you are as a person, are you proud of what you see? If you are that's great. If not, you can get there.

Taking the effort to confront your demons and defeat them is one of the many keys to happiness. It can be scary and it can be a huge obstacle but it's worth it completely.

What do you do that makes you unhappy? Do you hurt others with your behavior? Do you hold yourself back from doing the things you want in life? Are you too afraid to reach out for your happiness? Are you stuck in a situation that you're too scared to break free from?

Conquer your issues. Start slow if you have to, but this is your life. You get one as far as we know. Don't waste it.

Start repairing yourself. When you're done, you'll be so much more confident and maybe even have the strength to help others do the same.

Live the life you were supposed to live. Don't settle for what falls into place, work to make it the way you want it.

Give a Little More & Take a Little Less

2010-01-09T18:28:00.005-05:00

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I want you to quickly think about all the people close to you in your life. How many of them are truly happy and how many of them are not? Personally I can say that most of the people in my life seem really unhappy and analyzing it yields something that seems really obvious but often isn't.

Have you ever noticed that some of the most miserable people you encounter are constantly enthralled in themselves? These people go around tearing their hair out over tiny little problems and are constantly stressing about what's going to happen next and assuming the worst. In more severe scenarios, I often find these people become hate machines who want to take things out on the people around them.

How do you avoid becoming this person? By giving a little more and taking a little less. People are often so worried about not getting enough of what they need that they often don't get it at all.

When you think about the things you need to function best, what are they? Outside of basic human needs. Personally, mine are:

♥ A healthy and relaxed environment.
♥ Love and support.
♥ Positive energy.
♥ Positive relationships.

These are all things I get from giving something. A healthy and relaxed environment comes from working hard to keep a balance. Love and support comes from those I also love and support. Positive energy comes back to me when I send it out. Positive relationships are grown through positive interaction and support that are put into it from both sides.

I've grown into a much happier person by realizing that while giving doesn't always mean direct receiving in return, happiness and love grow from it. You can take until there's nothing left and cry when it's gone or you can plant seeds and wait for them to grow.

Selfishness is toxic. Let go of it. Become interested in things outside of yourself. Be a part of someone else's life, don't just make them a part of yours. Share your art. Share your talents. Share your heart.

Don't wait for good things to come to you. Wait for them to come back to you.

"We all need love. When it seems that we are not getting love, and somebody else is getting it, we scream murder. We make ourselves the children starving for love. Reach out and give love, share your warmth. You will find it immensely pleasing that you are creating and giving love where there is need." - Yoko Ono